Over the past six months, I have felt as if I have been suppressing a scream. There are times that I have had to swallow furiously to prevent it from escaping. A chill has settled on my emotions, and the more time that passes, the more the numb consumes me.
A frozen Numb.
I'm having a hard time letting men get close to me. The more they try to effect me, the colder I feel.
But then...I can be reading a book, curled up on my couch and look up for a moment to see a calendar on my wall...and be moved to tears. The calendar is of castles from all over Europe, and the castle representing November is Bodlam Castle, East Essex, England.
There is something about this castle, its beauty, and its mystery. I look at it, and I see Camelot. Dreams, romance, heroism, tragedy. I feel tears coursing down my cheeks before I realize that I'm crying. Then I realize that I have become selectively numb.
Were I Gwenevere...would I have fallen in love with Lancelot, or stayed true to my husband Arthur? A gallant Knight or a noble King? The thought of such a choice breaks my heart. The safe comfortable love of a best friend and husband.... Or the fire and passion of a young lover who lives for the moment? Seems I have had to make this decision in a past life once. I believe I chose the safe route. What society would have approved of.
My choice would be to have the man who made me feel safe and whole. The one who made me feel as if I would never have to face another day alone. The one I could share my dreams and life with. The man I could talk to and never tire of kissing... The best friend.
I don't know if I will ever face that choice in this life. That doesn't worry me. I have other worries in this selective numb. I worry if I will ever feel my heart quicken at the thought of a kiss again. Feel so much love for someone that I'm positive that my heart will burst. To lay awake at night and say a prayer thanking the powers above for his every breath...for every beat of his heart. To know such happiness that I'm struck with moments of terror at the thought that it can be taken away...
But that all seems so far away now. Like a dream. As if I had read of that kind of love in a book. My own Arthurian Legend.
When it comes to the reality of love, I go back to being numb. A healing numb, I guess. And when the man comes who can awaken me from my emotional suspension...I'll breathe again. I'll be warm. Perhaps that love and happiness will last and I'll never know what it is to be cold and alone again.
I am just a sleeper who caught a glimpse of the waking world for a sweet, brief time. Now I sleep again, ever aware of the scream trying to break through the frozen numb...