The End.
Well. We haven't had an update in a while have we? I didn't feel like writing because I was wrestling with a difficult decision. I had to find the strength to end a friendship. Why? Because I am still in love with him, and you can't successfully switch from lovers to friends when one of you is still in love and still hurt...
Nope. Tried it. Not possible. So I walked away, and he let me go.
Yes. Doy. I knew that it could be disastrous. That's common sense. But I had to try so I didn't have "what if" hanging over my head. Problem is-- I had no idea how extensive the damage was, and how keeping him in my life would only make things worse.
When someone is toxic, it doesn't surprise you when they are hurtful. But when you love and trust someone who suddenly turns on you...is selfish and thoughtless, purposefully breaks your heart and betrays your trust...that is a blow that is difficult to recover from. You can't see it coming. You have no time to defend yourself, because you never thought you would have to. You thought you were safe. The disappointment is staggering.
The damage of such an experience is-- how do you trust again? How do you trust your own judgement? Believe anything anyone has to say? Nice words and a sweet facade may only be a cover. How can you relax and not become a cynic...just waiting for the ax to fall? How many chances do you take? How many illusions and lies do you have to break through before you get some honesty? How do you trust someone enough to fall in love again, to be vulnerable, to give them the power to hurt you?
He hurt me because he finds it difficult to express his feelings. He couldn't be honest in the end, and he took the selfish way out. He turned cold, mean and disrespectful, and pushed me away before he dropped the bomb. He isn't a bad guy; I'm not saying that. He can be WONDERFUL. After all--there are some very good reasons for why I fell in love with him. Fell for the first time in my life. But he handles "endings" badly. Very VERY badly. And his endings tend to leave very deep scars.
I thought that our friendship could help me forgive him. But...
He turned around and starting dating someone else. His life changed and suddenly he had the time and money to do all of the things that he couldnt do with me when we were together. He was giving everything that I had so patiently waited and sacrificed for--to someone else. That hurt so much that it just did more damage. It's not his fault that he found it so easy to get over me and move on...but it made me bitter. How could I forgive him for having behaved like such a thoughtless, selfish shit when his life was now going so well and mine was nearly destroyed? Forgive him for all of the hurtful things he's said, all of his contradictions...forgive him for making me hate Paris...
I thought that love would be enough to get me through this. But I couldn't sacrifice anymore. No matter how much I've tried, I couldn't completely forgive him. I couldn't stop being in love with him. I couldn't keep him in my life. All of the hurt is just too one-sided, unfair. Boo hoo, I know. But there it is.
He hopes one day that we can be friends again. The idea of me walking out of his life forever doesn't thrill him. It makes me feel a little bit better knowing that at least I won't be so easily forgotten. Part of me will always love him, and I will always wish him well. I know that he wishes the best for me, and wants me to be happy. I just don't know what the future has in store. Only time will tell. A lot of time--for I have an incredible amount of healing to do. Hell! I'm now a year behind!
So there you go. An update and an explanation so I don't have to repeat this again!
I hope everyone is doing better than I am!!
Love Nik
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