Since I have let go of that friendship, I have been feeling better and better every day. It would have been easier had I just been able to be a selfish bitch! I would have kicked him out of my life MONTHS ago and felt so much better so much SOONER! But that damn "Caretaker" instinct in me, made me take the hard road.
Now that I am accepting the experience for what it was, and the lesson is learned, I feel...free. One less thing sitting on my shoulder. The healing is happening at a rapid pace. For a while there, I wasn't sure if I could just let it go. But I am. Only I can keep my heart broken, and I'm done with that.
My love to all,
Nik
Here is a letter from a wonderful friend!!!! I love you, Kat. Your words of wisdom are always helpful.Through your empathy, support and love, I have found more strength to pull out of this. In posting Kat's e-mail, I send my love and appreciation to all of my wonderful friends who have given me love and support, unconditionally and selflessly this past year. You took care of me. Thank you :)
Hi Nik--
I just saw the new and updated website. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that
things have taken such a difficult turn. I wish I could have been back in SF to have been there for you, but I hope you know that though I am far away I am still here for you if you need me. And you're welcome to come (& your mom, Tina, etc)and stay for as long as you need to, even at the drop of a hat, should you decide to leave the Bay Area for foreign climes this year.
I don't know the whole story of your relationship and what happened, but from the website I can say that I think it runs a very close parallel between what happened with me and M--, and I understand so very clearly
the pain at the loss not only of the man you believed was 'the one' but also of a best friend and a soulmate. I know the difficulty in trying to maintain, if not still friends,at least a friendly relationship, ripe with
the hope that one day he will look at you and see that you are indeed the one who makes his life complete. And I know the disappointment of slowly losing the hope and watching the man you have spent months, if not years with, turn to someone else who will reap the benefits of all your
sacrifices,all your love. And I know the pain of that betrayal, and the surprise that the one person you believed in 100% could turn around and without even a second thought, blow your world apart.
I even know the horror of the romantic trip away, of packing along with my clothes all my dreams and hopes, and finding that upon opening the suitcase it becomes Pandora's Box and only bad things escape into the air. Of course,
Hope remains, but that only causes more pain.
It's taken me the better part of 28 months to get over M--. It feels like forever and I admit there are days when I am still crushed by the pain,though they are now months, instead of minutes,apart and that is
balanced by the knowledge that I really am far better off without him in my life. Much as I loved him being with him undermined my self-confidence and self-respect so much I lost sight of myself. M--, too, had problems
expressing himself and I made the mistake of taking his reticence as being 'deep' (wrong!) And yes, he is a good man, but not when it comes to me. And he also hates the thought of me being out of his life, but I just can't care
about that anymore. You have to take care of yourself Nik-you are the important one and so take the time to come to terms with this in whatever way you see fit. And one day, when the pain has ebbed and you've decided that men aren't all pond scum, one will come along and you'll realise you
may not feel the same for them as you once did for another but that is OK.
There are so many forms of love, of being in love. I finally met someone, and I am happy blah blah, but the fear of betrayal and of being burned again is still there. It takes time, and nurturing, but will (hopefully)
ultimately be worth it.
And yes, I did leave him, but only when he had made it abundantly clear I had no other option, so though I was the one who left I was also the dumpee...
Sorry for the length of this - I just wanted you to know I do understand and if you want to talk, or vent, I'm here.
Love,Kat
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