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The SAGA of a broken heart...


essays and updates recording my journey through and out of HELL *chuckle*

Love, soulmates and the cold hard truth... June 2000 (the beginning)

Soulmates. Think you only have one in the world? Wrong. According to the Love Psychic Guru's of the world you have about 100. Think that may up your odds? Mmmm. Nah.
Here's the deal. You have 100 soul-mates--but they are spread all over the world. Feel lucky?
Luck is a geat part of it. You can believe in fate...but fate is controlled by The Fates, and they get a bigger kick screwing up your life, not helping it along.
Soul-mates are a gift, but there is no guarantee. Just like everything else.
Here is the cold hard truth: Just because two people are "meant" for eachother, doesn't mean that they end up together.
Both people need to be on the same page gotta factor in some things.
1. Maturity
2. Willingness to love
3. Sacrifice
4. Timing
5. Courage

I met one of my soul-mates. Perhaps the only one I will ever meet. I fell madly in love with him. (Such things tend to happen with a soul-mate) I lost him. Why? See above. We weren't on the same page. The other reasons reside in his head. Someday he might share them with me.
Recovering from such an encounter, will probably be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. They will always have a piece of your heart. A secret place in the deepest corner, of the darkest part.
Is that a blessing or a curse?
Want some more truths?
1. Not everyone finds real love.
2. Not everyone encounters a soul-mate.
3. Few people live "Mostly Happily Ever After"
4. Nice, lovable, non-psycho people--people worthy of the gift of love--spend their lives alone.
5. You have to be open to it--but a great deal of Love is LUCK. Bloody luck.

This sounds a bit depressing, I know. The older I get, the more the Romantic gives in to the Realist. I still think that love is a gift. Being with a soulmate would be nice--but now that I've met one, how stacked are the odds against me now!? LOL The only thing to do, is to keep an open mind and have courage.
The Fates don't like me, but they may smile on you.
I wish such Luck for my friends and loved ones.

You know. The above essay IS depressing. Sorry. Love is great. Grand! Everyone go out and fall in some of it! Just wash your clothes afterward...I've heard it stains :)

Love in the frozen Numb

November 2000

Over the past six months, I have felt as if I have been suppressing a scream. There are times that I have had to swallow furiously to prevent it from escaping. A chill has settled on my emotions, and the more time that passes, the more the numb consumes me.
A frozen Numb.
I'm having a hard time letting men get close to me. The more they try to effect me, the colder I feel.
But then...I can be reading a book, curled up on my couch and look up for a moment to see a calendar on my wall...and be moved to tears. The calendar is of castles from all over Europe, and the castle representing November is Bodlam Castle, East Essex, England.
There is something about this castle, its beauty, and its mystery. I look at it, and I see Camelot. Dreams, romance, heroism, tragedy. I feel tears coursing down my cheeks before I realize that I'm crying. Then I realize that I have become selectively numb.
Were I Gwenevere...would I have fallen in love with Lancelot, or stayed true to my husband Arthur? A gallant Knight or a noble King? The thought of such a choice breaks my heart. The safe comfortable love of a best friend and husband.... Or the fire and passion of a young lover who lives for the moment? Seems I have had to make this decision in a past life once. I believe I chose the safe route. What society would have approved of.
My choice would be to have the man who made me feel safe and whole. The one who made me feel as if I would never have to face another day alone. The one I could share my dreams and life with. The man I could talk to and never tire of kissing... The best friend.
I don't know if I will ever face that choice in this life. That doesn't worry me. I have other worries in this selective numb. I worry if I will ever feel my heart quicken at the thought of a kiss again. Feel so much love for someone that I'm positive that my heart will burst. To lay awake at night and say a prayer thanking the powers above for his every breath...for every beat of his heart. To know such happiness that I'm struck with moments of terror at the thought that it can be taken away...
But that all seems so far away now. Like a dream. As if I had read of that kind of love in a book. My own Arthurian Legend.
When it comes to the reality of love, I go back to being numb. A healing numb, I guess. And when the man comes who can awaken me from my emotional suspension...I'll breathe again. I'll be warm. Perhaps that love and happiness will last and I'll never know what it is to be cold and alone again.
I am just a sleeper who caught a glimpse of the waking world for a sweet, brief time. Now I sleep again, ever aware of the scream trying to break through the frozen numb...

The beginning of 2001...and all that follows...

Ringing In the New Year...

Well here we are. A New Year.

I can honestly say that I am glad to bid farewell to 2000. It was one of the worst years of my life.

What would you do, if someone approached you today, and offered to tell you what was going to happen in your life for the next year? What if you were warned that it was bad. Would you want to know?

If only I had had such an opportunity last year.

"Well, Nikki. You are going to go to Paris with a man you are in love with, but it will be the worst trip of your life. You will have nightmares about that trip for the rest of the year. Soon after Paris, he will break your heart, and you will be in such a deep state of depression, that you will cry every single day for the next six months. You will turn 29, and be dateless (as always) to your own birthday dinner. Well. Nothing new there. You will also be emotionally unavailable to the men who try to enter you life, and you will push them all away. You will lose your job, and the bad timing will cause you to abort your trip to London. A trip you felt you sorely needed to maintain your sanity. New Years Eve, with more bad timing, will find you alone. The highlight of the evening will be watching your two best friends, who are married and madly in love with one another-- make out like teenagers."

Given the choice, I would erase most of last year. Forewarned, I would have ended my relationship immediately and with less damage to my heart. I would put off Paris to a later time in my life when I could go with a man who loved me. I wouldn't have wasted most of a year crying myself to sleep every night.

But, as always, hind sight is 20/20.

Resolutions for 2001?

Have fun. Continue excercising, and enjoying the outdoors. Finish the book I've been writing, go to London and New York, and don't let anyone break my heart. That's the plan!

I hope this year will be a good one for all of us.

March 2001. Almost a year after he broke my heart, and coming to terms that I can't be his friend.

The End.

Well. We haven't had an update in a while have we? I didn't feel like writing because I was wrestling with a difficult decision. I had to find the strength to end a friendship. Why? Because I am still in love with him, and you can't successfully switch from lovers to friends when one of you is still in love and still hurt...
Nope. Tried it. Not possible. So I walked away, and he let me go.
Yes. Doy. I knew that it could be disastrous. That's common sense. But I had to try so I didn't have "what if" hanging over my head. Problem is-- I had no idea how extensive the damage was, and how keeping him in my life would only make things worse.
When someone is toxic, it doesn't surprise you when they are hurtful. But when you love and trust someone who suddenly turns on selfish and thoughtless, purposefully breaks your heart and betrays your trust...that is a blow that is difficult to recover from. You can't see it coming. You have no time to defend yourself, because you never thought you would have to. You thought you were safe. The disappointment is staggering.

The damage of such an experience is-- how do you trust again? How do you trust your own judgement? Believe anything anyone has to say? Nice words and a sweet facade may only be a cover. How can you relax and not become a cynic...just waiting for the ax to fall? How many chances do you take? How many illusions and lies do you have to break through before you get some honesty? How do you trust someone enough to fall in love again, to be vulnerable, to give them the power to hurt you?
He hurt me because he finds it difficult to express his feelings. He couldn't be honest in the end, and he took the selfish way out. He turned cold, mean and disrespectful, and pushed me away before he dropped the bomb. He isn't a bad guy; I'm not saying that. He can be WONDERFUL. After all--there are some very good reasons for why I fell in love with him. Fell for the first time in my life. But he handles "endings" badly. Very VERY badly. And his endings tend to leave very deep scars.

I thought that our friendship could help me forgive him. But...
He turned around and starting dating someone else. His life changed and suddenly he had the time and money to do all of the things that he couldnt do with me when we were together. He was giving everything that I had so patiently waited and sacrificed for--to someone else. That hurt so much that it just did more damage. It's not his fault that he found it so easy to get over me and move on...but it made me bitter. How could I forgive him for having behaved like such a thoughtless, selfish shit when his life was now going so well and mine was nearly destroyed? Forgive him for all of the hurtful things he's said, all of his contradictions...forgive him for making me hate Paris...

I thought that love would be enough to get me through this. But I couldn't sacrifice anymore. No matter how much I've tried, I couldn't completely forgive him. I couldn't stop being in love with him. I couldn't keep him in my life. All of the hurt is just too one-sided, unfair. Boo hoo, I know. But there it is.

He hopes one day that we can be friends again. The idea of me walking out of his life forever doesn't thrill him. It makes me feel a little bit better knowing that at least I won't be so easily forgotten. Part of me will always love him, and I will always wish him well. I know that he wishes the best for me, and wants me to be happy. I just don't know what the future has in store. Only time will tell. A lot of time--for I have an incredible amount of healing to do. Hell! I'm now a year behind!

So there you go. An update and an explanation so I don't have to repeat this again!

I hope everyone is doing better than I am!!

Love Nik

Reaction to my above update. ;p

April 2001

Fabulous letter! Beloved friends...

Since I have let go of that friendship, I have been feeling better and better every day. It would have been easier had I just been able to be a selfish bitch! I would have kicked him out of my life MONTHS ago and felt so much better so much SOONER! But that damn "Caretaker" instinct in me, made me take the hard road.
Now that I am accepting the experience for what it was, and the lesson is learned, I One less thing sitting on my shoulder. The healing is happening at a rapid pace. For a while there, I wasn't sure if I could just let it go. But I am. Only I can keep my heart broken, and I'm done with that.

My love to all,

Here is a letter from a wonderful friend!!!! I love you, Kat. Your words of wisdom are always helpful.Through your empathy, support and love, I have found more strength to pull out of this. In posting Kat's e-mail, I send my love and appreciation to all of my wonderful friends who have given me love and support, unconditionally and selflessly this past year. You took care of me. Thank you :)

Hi Nik--

I just saw the new and updated website. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that
things have taken such a difficult turn. I wish I could have been back in SF to have been there for you, but I hope you know that though I am far away I am still here for you if you need me. And you're welcome to come (& your mom, Tina, etc)and stay for as long as you need to, even at the drop of a hat, should you decide to leave the Bay Area for foreign climes this year.
I don't know the whole story of your relationship and what happened, but from the website I can say that I think it runs a very close parallel between what happened with me and M--, and I understand so very clearly
the pain at the loss not only of the man you believed was 'the one' but also of a best friend and a soulmate. I know the difficulty in trying to maintain, if not still friends,at least a friendly relationship, ripe with
the hope that one day he will look at you and see that you are indeed the one who makes his life complete. And I know the disappointment of slowly losing the hope and watching the man you have spent months, if not years with, turn to someone else who will reap the benefits of all your
sacrifices,all your love. And I know the pain of that betrayal, and the surprise that the one person you believed in 100% could turn around and without even a second thought, blow your world apart.
I even know the horror of the romantic trip away, of packing along with my clothes all my dreams and hopes, and finding that upon opening the suitcase it becomes Pandora's Box and only bad things escape into the air. Of course,
Hope remains, but that only causes more pain.
It's taken me the better part of 28 months to get over M--. It feels like forever and I admit there are days when I am still crushed by the pain,though they are now months, instead of minutes,apart and that is
balanced by the knowledge that I really am far better off without him in my life. Much as I loved him being with him undermined my self-confidence and self-respect so much I lost sight of myself. M--, too, had problems
expressing himself and I made the mistake of taking his reticence as being 'deep' (wrong!) And yes, he is a good man, but not when it comes to me. And he also hates the thought of me being out of his life, but I just can't care
about that anymore. You have to take care of yourself Nik-you are the important one and so take the time to come to terms with this in whatever way you see fit. And one day, when the pain has ebbed and you've decided that men aren't all pond scum, one will come along and you'll realise you
may not feel the same for them as you once did for another but that is OK.
There are so many forms of love, of being in love. I finally met someone, and I am happy blah blah, but the fear of betrayal and of being burned again is still there. It takes time, and nurturing, but will (hopefully)
ultimately be worth it.
And yes, I did leave him, but only when he had made it abundantly clear I had no other option, so though I was the one who left I was also the dumpee...
Sorry for the length of this - I just wanted you to know I do understand and if you want to talk, or vent, I'm here.


Alrighty! This will be a long one folks. I have a lot to talk about. FIRST give me your opinion on IQ tests. Really. I want to know what you think. Valid or bullshit? I've always thought it was a ridiculous way to measure a persons intelligence. I had an argument with someone recently about this very topic. They think that it's valid and tend to stake their rather large ego on it--and I think its bullshit. Is 170 good? That's what my meaningless IQ is. What does 170 mean anyway? Really some one tell me, I have no idea. If it turns out that 170 is genius level...then LOL I have made my point!! Everyone knows that I am just a moron with an occasional brilliant moment!
I found out what my IQ was from my father. I took the test when I was 10 and promptly forgot about it and the results. Because...who bloody cares!? He remembers weird stuff like that. I asked him what it was when he took me out to dinner recently with that IQ argument fresh in my mind.
He also fondly recalled a time when I was four and I asked for a sip of his drink. He laughed and said, "You can't have this! It's BOOZE. You can't have BOOZE!" Apparently I thought about it for a moment, and then said quite seriously, "But I WANT BOOZE!"
Genius in the making, huh?
LOL Genius with a serious Math phobia, who falls madly in love with a man she KNEW was going to destroy her. Ye-ah.

Speaking of which...

I'm going insane. Thought I'd make that announcement now. I really think so. Granted. The City of San Francisco holds a lot of memories for me. I was born here--raised here until I was 12. My childhood is imprinted on this town. Everywhere I look, I can see things as they had been in 1976. That was one of the reasons I resisted moving back to the city as an adult. There are good memories, but I was afraid of the bad ones. I was afraid of being haunted by the little girl who had to grow up before her time, who never felt safe. When I finally made the plunge into city life, I found that I was fine. In fact, I finally felt like I was home. Being in San Francisco was like getting to know an old and beloved friend again. Now I'm being haunted by new memories. Well. ASSAULTED actually.
WE all know that this time last year I was a bloody mess. May 17th--heart broken, then his birthday passes May 27th. June, he's already fucking someone else. Blah blah blah. Lovely anniversaries, huh?

ANYWAY. In the past three weeks, I've been the victim of vivid memories. They are just triggered out of the blue, bursting with sharp clarity in my mind. Unbidden. Unwanted. UNWELCOME! I recall conversations, things we did, said...Suddenly I am back in a moment. Time stands still. This has been happening all over the friggin city. Then all of a sudden references to Paris and New Orleans are EVERYWHERE! Everytime I turn on the TV, EVERYDAY! THEN! I keep seeing people who remind me of him. I just went to Amoeba in the Haight and bought a few CDs. Etta James, Janis Ian, The Lovin Spoonful greatest hits and the Best of The Animals. Always have been a fan of the last two. Anyway, I never noticed it before, but it hit me out of the blue. As a young man, "Chas" Bryan James Chandler of the Animals resembles my ex so much, that it is DISTURBING. (Always had a thing for bass players ) Ah well. I guess it would be a compliment for someone to tell you that you resemble the man who discovered Jimi Hendrix. Huh. Well. I don't want to give him a compliment. See? Things like that keep happening. Faces from the past--the present. His face is bloody everywhere. And always when I least expect it.
That's why I think that I'm going insane. It just isn't fair, and frankly it's beginning to really piss me off. It was just a year of my life. And now a year has passed since I was his girlfriend. So what's the big deal? Why in the hell is HE so special? Why did I ever fall in love with him? He never deserved my love or me. In the end, he treated me like SHIT. Let's face it--thats the truth. I could start on his flaws and not stop until his ego was in as many pieces as my heart. But what would that prove anyway? Besides, I fell in love with him for those very flaws.

I am so angry about these memories haunting me. I've been so much better. Getting over him slowly, but damn surely. Now I get flashes of these moments, and find myself crying before I can stop myself. I don't want to relive some of the sweet moments of New Orleans, or the horrible moments of Paris. I don't want to still be in love with him. HE doesnt deserve ONE more tear, DAMMIT. Not ONE.

I'm hoping now that it's June--it will just go away. He's gone. Gone, gone, gone. Please make it go away.
I should start saying that when I feel a memory coming on. He's gone, he's gone. Gone, gone, gone. Don't cry, he's gone.
Kat, if you are reading this, tell me that I'm still sane OK? I know you know EXACTLY what is happening with me right now.

Well. Back to the real world. I know this IQ stuff is bullshit. Has to be. Only an idiot would still be in love with a man she should hate.

Love Nikki

update 6/10

Sigh* I have too much going on. I haven't slept more than four hours a night for the past five days. Well except for last night with the aid of vicodin! I'm going into business for myself. I will now be an independent agent for the company Family First dealing in Living Trusts and Annuities. Making up to 200K in your first year is common. This is all rather stressful! From this Monday through Saturday, I will be in class all day earning my credits for my Insurance License. URG.

My brain has been whirring with all of the things that I have to do. I will make more money than I've ever made before though, even on the low end! My mother is becoming an independent agent for this company as well. I really need sleep.

So. A 170 IQ is smart huh? Kat joked that Mensa should be knocking on my door. Well. Mensa came a knockin' for both of my parents. Neither of them have anything pleasant to say about the experience or the people they met. I've met some Mensa members. Given the choice between joining and slitting my own throat? I'd ask for a sharp knife.

Speaking of organizations, there is one that I have quite happily joined. More stress but that's OK. The Society for Creative Anachronism. SCA for short. Who they are and why is too much to go into here, if you're curious, the main web site explains it all for you! NOW I will be surrounded by other history nuts! My first meeting of the San Francisco Shire of Cloondara is this Tuesday. Again, if you read the web site that bit of information will make more sense. My Father is the one who told me about the SCA. He thinks I will find more of my "kind". He even joked that maybe I would finally run into a man who could handle and understand me. Um. OK.

I have issues with men. I know this. This isn't a new demon. It's been with me since my earliest memories. I've always seen men as cowards, liars and predators. This view is quite valid when you take into consideration the fact that the very men who should have protected me all of my life put me in danger, and abused me. I've had to be my own protector, my own champion. I battled the male molesters alone. Through my adult years, they have still proven to be predators, but when it comes to single women, all men are sexual predators aren't they? What has been proven even more, time and time that they are cowards and liars. No wonder I have trusted very few men in my life. No wonder it took me until I was 28 to truely fall in love for the first time. That in my life, only one man ever made me feel safe. It was the only time I let go of some of my independence, felt like I could trust a man with my heart. What has shattered me so much this past year--is that he turned out to be just another liar. I find men so disappointing. Lovers and friends.

I used to harbor a secret belief in a Knight. In a man who wouldn't verbally abuse me, swear at me, hurt me with lies, be disrespectful, snap, and embarrass and humiliate me in front of others. Even the man I fell in love with was guilty of the last four. That was in the end. Paris was a really FUN trip. But this last experience has almost killed that secret belief. I don't want a perfect man. Just a man who won't be mean to me. Who could be selfless enough to put me first every once in a while. Who is emotionally strong, honest and loves me. A man strong enough to love me. Terrible that that should be so hard, hmmm?

It's OK that he doesn't exist. I just didn't want to give that old demon the satisfaction of jumping up and down saying "I told you so, I told you so!"

So. Finding my Knight in the SCA? No. I don't think so. I'm not holding my breath. I just feel so cold. Detached. Poor SB. He's a nice man. He is. But he doesn't know how to handle me or talk to me. It's a losing battle. He just isn't a very strong man.

See? I have too much on my mind. No wonder I haven't been sleeping! I'm just going to work on being as happy as I can be, meet new people and make lots of money! Some people aren't meant to find love and spend their lives with someone. Maybe the experiences in my life have been preparing me for the fact that I am one of these people. I'm working on being OK with that. If life has something else in store for me--then its ALL gravy, hmmm?

At least I have love from my friends. I have the most fabulous supportive women in my life, and in that way--I am blessed. Thank you for being so wonderful. I love you!



The past two weeks have been crazy. Just when I think that I am at a breaking point, the fates test me. I must be one of their favorite people to torment.
So. I get back from LA. The next day, I'm still exhausted. Barely stay awake on the drive back to the city from my parents house. It's 11am, and I know that I don't have a damn thing to eat at home, so I decide to stop off at the grocery store on the way. I shop fairly light because I know that I will have to haul whatever I purchase a block and up several flights of stairs--along with my suitcase.

I make a salad from their salad bar and wrestle with the flimsy plastic container, grab some sandwich fixings, milk, eggs and some strawberry sorbet. I watch with some trepidation as the bag girl balances the already precariously packaged salad on top of the eggs. I make a mental note, as I paid the checker to be careful when loading my groceries. I take my bags, exit past the homeless guy hassling people for change, and head to my car. There--disaster strikes. My precariously packaged salad cracks open and spills all over my car seat. Cursing the stupid bag girl, and thinking rather mean thoughts about how her eyes crossed when she had looked at me, I cleaned the seat as best as I could. Pissed, I slammed my car door and walked to the drivers side. As I reached into my pocket for my keys, it was already dawning on me that my keys were locked in the car. Oh yes. There they were...right next to my AAA card. Wait! It gets better! My AAA card is half obscured by the handle of my cloth tote bag, and I don't have any change.
Just as I raked my sticky, dressing covered hands through my already wild hair-- trying not to bellow in frustration--up rides an Asian man on a bicycle with a dog. I mention that he is Asian, because I wasn't expecting a "surfer dude" accent to come out of him. I have since learned not to question such things.
"Whoaaa" He said. "Did you totally lock yourself out of your car?"
"Yes" I answered through gritted teeth, "Totally".
"When was the last time you partied?" He asked, looking me up and down. I know I said something to that--but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.
"What you need is a wire hanger" he informed me and started looking for a wire hanger in the grocery store parking lot, while his dog licked and tried to eat God knows what off the side of my car. The man found some small piece of wire, but threw it back down realizing that it was too short.
"I think that I should try to call Triple A" I said. "Time is of the essence here--I have things melting".
"You need to find a wire hanger" he told me again "But hey--if you want to wait until one of those trucks come--it's up to you man"
"Well" I breathed, "It has been my experience that wire clothes hangers aren't generally found lying about in great abundance in grocery store parking lots"
He shrugged at this. "Whatever man--you should go over to that auto parts store and ask for some help"
"Thanks" I said to him. "I know what I'm going to do"
He shrugged again, got on his bike and rode away with his dog happily trotting along side him.
I shook my head, thinking about the rapidly forming gooey puddle of sorbet--and headed for the pay phone by the store entrance. The homeless guy called out to me for spare change as I approached. being on my last nerve, I spread my arms wide and opened my empty hands.
"I just locked my keys in my car. I don't have SHIT."
That seemed to shut him up, so I dismissed him and walked to the phone. Luckily it had just been vacated by a man in a suit who paused to look at me as I moved past him. He didn't leave, but walked a few feet to the newspaper dispensers where he plopped down some paperwork he was holding. His presence annoyed me, but I ignored him. I dialed 0 and asked the operator what was the 800 number for AAA. She told me that it was 1-800-AAA-HELP. So easy! Not a number I will ever forget again!

So I dial the number, and explain my situation to the customer service rep. I told her about my salad disaster, my obscured AAA card, and my potential puddle of sorbet goo. It made her laugh as she looked up my account.
"The trucks are running about a half an hour" She told me.
"Oh no...MELTING" I sighed pathetically.
She laughed again and said that she would do her best to get a truck out to me ASAP. I thanked her and hung up the phone.
The man in the suit was still standing there when I turned around. He looked at me oddly and smiled. I smiled back and walked to my car. I hoped that it wouldn't be a long wait. I crossed my arms and leaned against the trunk. I immediately began looking for yellow tow trucks, when the man in the suit walked past me. Our eyes met again and he stopped in front of me.
"I have to say---I was listening to you while you were on the phone..." He smiled at me again, "I admire you, you are great under pressure. Very funny too. Good luck on the goo..." Then he waved and walked to his car. I called out a "thank you" and shook my head again. Yep. I thought. That's me. Independent, great under pressure, and worried about goo...
It must have been about ten minutes, but it felt like an hour, when I saw the bright yellow tow truck with AAA on the side. I waved excitedly, and he parked the truck next to my car.
"I LOVE YOU!" I exclaimed as he exited the cab, "You got here so fast!"
Then I noticed that he was young and rather attractive. My exclaimation had made him blush bright red. I found that funny. He had a heck of a time trying to open my car door. and went through two different kinds of tools.
"So, is my car challenging your bag of tricks?" I inquired. For some reason that made him blush again. Inwardly I chuckled. He was a cute kid. I wondered why he was blushing. He didn't seem to be the shy type. It couldn't be me--I looked a fright. No make-up, wild hair, sunglasses, oversized jean jacket, baggy t-shirt and loose pants. Oh yeah. Sex-y.
Well whatever. The third tool worked, I grabbed my card, signed the receipt, thanked him, sent him a grin when I saw his blush again and took off. I blasted the AC to preserve what I could of my groceries--still thinking of melted goo. Once I had hauled everything up to my apartment, I was pleased to discover that despite being in a hot car for a half an hour--nothing had spoiled or turned to goo! Nothing like being goo-less.

And yes. There has been some emotional turmoil. A particular song by Dave Matthews Band keeps playing on the damn radio. It must be three years old now...but every time I turn on that damn's playing!
Whatever. I'm getting really tired of such things. It's like something won't let me let go and forget. Just as I start to--I'm reminded. Not by one or two things...but 40, all in a rush and often in the span of an hour. I wonder if The Fates will ever take pity on me. He isn't worth so much of my life. I have already spent a solid year of pain, still in love with someone who took about five minutes to get over me and move on. He never even loved me. It's been month's since I broke off whatever friendship we were trying to have and I'm not even high enough on his list of priorities for him to return some of my stuff that he still has in his possession. All he has to do is tell me the day that he will drop it off, so I could make sure someone was home to buzz him in to the lobby. He doesn't have to come up--just put it down and leave. I've had to e-mail him, reminding him to do this since March. He promised to do it in the beginning, but now he doesn't even bother to answer my occasional reminder e-mails.
It's the final step. The last tie. When I have my things back, I will never have a reason to ever speak to him again. I don't know why he delays this. I can't see that it means anything to him. In truth, I just think that I'm THAT unimportant. It's not that I'm low on his list--I'm not even ON it. If that's the case--how awful to have suffered for something like that. If not. I'll never know. I'll never know anything of his true heart.

I send my love to you all. I have to work hard! I have a goal of buying a new Mazda Tribute at the end of this cash. It's nice to make money helping people. Christine has always said that I'm determined to wear a red cape...

Enter supporting content here

July 23 2001

So! How should I be feeling? In a way--I've been dreading this week for years. Hmm. Get back to you on that.

Every time I sit at my computer, and stare at my monitor--I see two fortunes that I've taped just above and below the screen. Wrested from the sweet cracked cookies, now long gone...these little scrapes of typed hope have stayed with me.

"You have to be patient now--think, listen and heed signs."

"Your dearest wish will come true."

Sometimes I wish that I knew the time frames of these fortunes. They have now been taped to my monitor for about a year and a half. I was still with my EX when I received them. They foolishly gave me hope at the time. I wanted to believe in a little magic. I wanted to believe that these little pieces of paper had meaning. That The Fates had finally decided to give me a break...and this was their message system!
I realize that my 20's have been somewhat miserable. But that's to be expected. You learn, grow, find out who the Hell you are and what you are made suffer. What did Conan say? "That which does not kill you makes you stronger!" (Do your own Arnold impression on that one)
So. Perhaps 30 isn't a curse. I'm hitting my sexual peak within the next three years... I...uh. Hmmm. Well. I can't think of any other advantages right now...but I'm sure that something will occur to me!

I just can't seem to shake the nightmares that I've been having the past few nights. I feel the past ten years...I do. But it also feels like I just turned around...and now here's 30. I have this awful feeling that the next ten years will pass in a fast blur and before I can turn around again...I'll be 40. Still alone...heading for a sperm bank so that I can have a last chance at being a mother. I wish this vision wasn't so painfully clear.

Mom is worried because I appear to have given up some the idea of a husband and family. I told her that it just wasn't in the cards for me. Love and happiness just haven't been companions in my life time so far, and she couldn't disagree with me.
When I was a little girl--I was POSITIVE that I was destined for love and happiness. I LIVED on that dream. It's the reason I survived the things I did, why I'm not scarred as hideously as I should be. I was sure that if I just got through it--that that would be payment enough for a happy life thereafter. It took a long time for that dream to die. That little girl had so much faith. But it has. I can't feel it anymore. I can't dream it anymore. I just can't find it. I haven't been able to find it for the past year. Everything that happened with my EX was just too much. I don't think I could survive loving someone that much again and being broken into a million pieces.

If a man ever wants me, truly wants to keep me and love me...he'll have to do the near impossible to win my heart. He'll have to gain my trust. I don't think such a man exists. What man would want to beat his head against a stone wall until he's bloody and nearly senseless--for me? What man would want to wade through the absolute destruction my EX left in his wake? I'm just not prize enough for such a challenge.

I don't know if I fixable. My Mom is just going to have to get used to the fact that the father of her grandchild will a Popsicle. LOL
I know that I will be a damn good mother. No man is taking that away from me. I'll go it alone.

Meanwhile. I fully intend to party so much on Friday that the whole turning 30 at 11:16pm will be an utter BLUR. I know. I have to come out of this year-long depression at some point. I have goals, I plan to make a new start. It just won't involve love anymore, thats all. I'll leave that for the novels I write. Romance for money. Oh Yes. I'll just leave it at that.



OK! Update! Well. I am officially 30 years old. Yip-ee!

That Friday we all went out to dinner and ate and drank ourselves silly. Shelly surprised me with a limo to the restaurant...and back to my place...though she may not actually remember that ride home. *chuckle*

All in all, it was a good birthday. I've decided to embrace 30. Think of this new decade as a fresh start. My luck is bound to change, right?

Besides I'm tired of being in a funk. Let's face it. My EX has proven himself to be one the biggest assholes I have ever known. He'll get back everything he's done to me and others, intentional or not. Relationship Karma can be a BITCH...and one will break his heart.
So I'm done. No more talking about him. No more anything about him.

For a few months this past year, I was in so much pain, I often prayed before I fell asleep that I wouldn't wake up. Then there would be no more would be such a RELIEF! I know, I know. I got over it. I've never been a coward, and I woke up anyway. Damn stubborn subconscious.
So it's time to be strong and move on again. I have too much to do to be depressed any longer. I'm finally going to record the songs i have been writing for the past 15 years, I'm enjoying my whole career change to Estate Planning (I'm defecting to a new company for more money...and it's a better company)and all this stress and running around is causing me to lose weight...though I can only see that on the scale and the fact that my clothes are getting bigger. Otherwise--don't really feel it yet.

Read Christine's update on the Cousin page. Her message to me really helped. She reminded me of some old lessons. And Shelly gave me the greatest Birthday Card:

Happy 30th Birthday
Hey, don't be upset
that your 20's are
You're 30--that's great!
Be happy! YAHOO!
Just think about this
if you start feeling blue...

There are folks turning 40
who'd KILL to be you!

Love Nik

Who is this angry girl!? LOL

I've decided to add later entries to this section--as some of you have requested. I guess these will demonstrate the "end" to the saga. I hope that this helps.
Love Nik


7/17/01 Edit

So! This is a late update. Why? Because I was watching "The Mists of Avalon" Sunday and Monday night. Does that really surprise anyone? Besides being one of my favorite books of all time, it was a damn good movie. Makes me want to keep my hair long *chuckle*

Being a little past my waist now--I've had the urge to hack it all off. I always cut it to chin length. Not sure why--just seems a good length for a change. I know that one of you is shouting, "NO!Don't do it! Leave your freakin hair alone!" (Actually that person would be Tina) Don't worry! I'm fighting the urge. Kinda surprised I didn't do it a year ago. I only hack my hair off when something awful happens or if I have a major life change. Ages 7, 19, and 25 all mark events that drove me to court a pair of scissors. Nope. A broken heart and a looming 30th birthday shall not drive me to such a dramatic gesture. Besides. Short hair makes me look old and serious. I'm already old and serious enough, thank you.

Ugh. My head hurts. Finally had a sale today though! Interesting gentleman. 56, never been married--nor does he ever wish to be. His reasons being that he likes to be alone, and that no one is ever standing in his way. LOL Guy doesn't like his hallway blocked or someone stealing his covers, I guess. It doesn't matter, I doubt that women will miss him not "being on the market".

He has a point though. I'm getting so used to being alone. Reading when I want to, watching what I want on TV, going where I want when I want...certainly is a life with minimum compromise. Don't have to worry about shaving my legs, could care less what I look like, only have to feed myself what I feel like for dinner without consulting anyone. Yep. Nothing like preparing for a life alone :) Should get used to it.

So. Birthday party. Shelly (my roomie) asked what I was doing, and I told her that my mother cancelled my "surprise" party due to lack of time to devote to planning it--and since nothing else was planned...nothing. Dinner with my parents was about as exciting as it was gonna get. She wasn't happy with that answer--hence the e-vite she sent out. I know that some of you can't make it being in other parts of the state, country...and world. :) I'll miss you! As you could tell from the e-vite, Shelly didn't invite any men who were ex boy-friends, lovers, or pseudo-dating companions never defined. Nope. She wants me free and clear if any attractive or interesting men want some of my attention.
Yeah right.
Good luck.
Doesn't matter, I'll be surrounded by friends who love me, and I'll be too drunk to care that I'm dateless and feeling unattractive.
Not saying that I won't get any male attention. My friends and upstairs neighbors Doug and Andy are coming out to celebrate and carouse with us that night. They always hit on me, ESPECIALLY when intoxicated. Nothing personal--they're just always horny in a friendly, non threatening way. I'm just a convenient target. LOL

Anyway. It should be fun. At least I have 9 days left of being 29!

Love Nik


8/15/01 Edit

I am not using my computer for this update, so it will be a short one. My computer is in the shop. To make a long story short---the person who built my computer isn't as smart as he thinks he his. Actually, he's an "idiot" according to the super geek now working on my system. Sigh* Whatever.
Ever think that your guardian angel--or whatever power is watching over you--is trying to send you a message? I've been getting strange messages lately, all in the form of song lyrics. The other day I was watching an obscure movie that hapened to feature a rather obscure jazz song. Odd, but the lyrics spoke to it was a nudge from above. The song is "When Sunny Gets Blue". My EX (I know i wasn't going to talk about him--I'm just making a point so what i'm telling you makes sense) Used to call me his "Sunshine". Not sure if that person still exists, but she might still be in me somewhere. Anyway, the lyrics seem to tell my story and offer a happy ending. We'll see :)

When Sunny gets blue, her eyes get gray and cloudy
Then the rain begins to fall
Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, love is gone so what can matter?
No sweet lovin' man comes to call

When Sunny gets blue, she breathes a sigh of sadness
Like the wind that stirs the trees
Wind that sets the leaves to swayin' like some violins are playin'Weird and haunting melodies

People used to love to-o-o hear her laugh, see her smile
That's how she got her name
Since that sad affair she's lost her smile,
changed her style
Somehow she's not the same

But mem'ries will fade and pretty dreams will rise up
Where her other dreams fell through
Hurry, new love, hurry here
to kiss away each lonely tear
And hold her near when Sunny gets blue

Hurry, new love, hurry here
to kiss away each lonely tear
And hold her near when Sunny gets blue

Love Nik

10/12/01 Edit

OK. I know that I haven't been updating the site every week like I usually do. My life just doesn't seem as important as what the world is facing---but some of you are bugging me, and I DO have news.

In the past year, I finally burned down to nothing but ash, and it's time for the Phoenix to rise again. I know that it's a dramatic analogy, but it works for me!

Let's face it, some of you became so worried about me, you were going to hold me down and medicate me. But this last relationship wasn't the entire just caused the final meltdown.

Mom figured it out. I completely lost my direction in 1993. That year my whole life changed, and I was forced, kicking and screaming down a path not of my choosing. Nothing like being at a fork in the road...wanting to go right...and being dragged to the left.

I left Southern California, my friends, a boy I loved, my dream. Even though I continued to act when I transferred to college up north, I knew that the dream was over. My path to being an actor was clear before the move--even to the agents and directors who attend the senior productions at Cal Arts. Moving back to Northern California meant a different destiny. I just didn't know what it was.

I was lost. I don't know why that I knew that acting was no longer my future, I just did. After college, I just worked to survive. I hate the business, technology world. But I had a talent for sales and training...and drifted. Bad relationships, no passion for what I was doing with my life, no idea of what I SHOULD be doing...Yep. Total MESS.

I was prime for a meltdown. Falling in love with the wrong man? Perfect catalyst for a meltdown!

Here is the good news. I now know what the hell this path of destiny IS. I know what to do to be happy. No medication required :) I have rid myself of the past eight years of crap, and finally finishing what I started.
My Book.
There were other dreams than being an actor. Different Paths...different dreams. In bits and pieces here and there, I would get a clue that I should be writing. Mom always told be that to be happy--you should do something that you loved for a living. Don't worry about money. The money will come. Well it took a while to remove my head from my ass, but I'm taking her advice.
The Book. That 12th century Scottish adventure that I've been working on for the past three years (well two of the three--after the ex,I couldn't touch it) is almost finished. I've been working like a fiend, and will have it done by the end of this month.

That's not all folks. I'm getting this baby published. I'm not worried. It's pretty damned good, and I'm selling it as a romance novel. Hmm. I need to add more sex. Keep reminding myself, the poor hero is climbing the walls. :)

What I've written is better than half of the crap I've read in this particular genre--so if the crap can get stuff should!No problem-o! Besides. I just KNOW that it will be fine. Call it my "sense" or whatever kicking in...but I feel in my heart that I'm on the right path now. Everything will work out fine.

Now for the PLAN. Oh yes. I've got a plan. Don't be's a good one.


Oh yes. Once this book is published, and I can begin on the other three books scrambling to get out of my head,(hopefully with an advance for the second book) I'm leaving the Bay Area. Where?
Crescent City, California. I'm going to buy a house there (three bedroom runs about 100K)and live there for two years, finishing those books.
Crescent City is known as the place "Where the redwoods meet the Ocean". Right on the border of California and Oregon. Two of my favorite things, redwoods forests and the sea. There, I will get my body and mind back in shape. I will even have my own basketball hoop, so I can shoot hoops like I used to everyday after high school. Let me tell you. The latent athlete within me is waking up--and boy is she pissed with what I look like.
So two years of hiking, biking, walking, shooting hoops and writing etc...will get me back to my old self quite nicely, thank you.

Then? England. I will spend six months in England working on what will be my fourth book. Nothing like on site research. As a single woman with a few books under her belt and an agent (romance novels pull in quite a lot of cash--you have NO IDEA) I could live anywhere.

Stay in the UK--or come back to the states. Hmm. This should be late 2004 early 2005 when I'm faced with this decision. And that, my dears, is a far as I can plan the career right now.

Love? Not to be considered until about 2003. I really am a sucker for a Scottish accent. English, Irish and Welsh would also do nicely. LOL. I have a feeling, just one of those feelings, that I may stay in the UK once I make it there.

So there you go. My meltdown, my catharsis...and my three+ year plan.

I must be on track--because my parents think that it's a perfectly reasonable and sane plan. Our family friend who is a realtor well aquainted with that area, will help with the house when the time comes, and Mom has already designated Crescent City as an occasional vacation destination for "visits". That's why I have to have a three or four bedroom house.

No. I will not be a hermit while I'm up there. My friends and family are always welcome to bug me. It's only a four, maybe five hour drive from San Francisco. LOL I'm not kidding, it's up there. In fact, I'll probably do all my shopping in Oregon.

I feel Opening a door with something that I love to do. Writing this stuff is fun. Eventually I'll be able to write whatever I want, but warned. If you read my books, you will find yourselves within the pages. LOL Not this first one--no. But in the others...beware. Why INVENT characters, when I already know so many!

(If you are curious--my hero in the Scottish book was revamped. Any resemblance to my ex--was erased. He now resembles, in looks, a VERY YUMMY Scottish actor named Gerard Butler. I even have a picture of him on my desktop as a reminder. YUM. That's all I have to say)

As for this time of national and possible global crisis, I hope for the best. Figures that I would finally be getting my life together as the world starts to fall apart. I love you. Thank you for all the support through my insanity.

I'm a lucky girl. I'm loved. So are you. My friends, my family...I hope that I have always given as much to you as you have given to me. How could I have failed?! You would have dragged me screaming from those ashes if I hadn't done it myself.

Thank you. I'm here when you need me. Remember that.

Love Nik

11-13-01 Edit

I have been thinking a great deal about strength, weakness and change. I feel strong again in so many ways, and as is usual, even stronger than before. My personality is once more a force to be reckoned with, and I find that I have ZERO tolerance for foolish men. I used to try to charm my way out of everything. Be "nice". Even to the jerks. Now, I can be a magnificent BITCH when the need arises. In the past few months, I have had some experiences that I have not shared with you. Mainly, idiot males trying to slither their way into my life to try and procure me as a "fuck buddy" or mistress. One such man was fifty-five years old! I informed him that he was only a year younger than my Mother and that I found the whole idea rather disturbing. When he bragged that his last girlfriend had been a 24 year-old brilliant beauty, I advised him to troll the nearest college campus and wished him luck of it. Dirty old man.
Fox turned up again, trying to literally just get me into bed. You would think that after a year, the man would stop calling and showing up at my apartment to molest me. I was dreadful to him, and sorely tempted to toss him out of the nearest window. I no longer have the patience to be nice or suffer fools gladly. I feel like sharpening my collection of daggers.
What in the hell do these men see in me anyway? I'm not particularly attractive at the moment. Do I give off some wired "come hither" sexual vibe? Whatever. I have ranted about this before.
A relationship. Don't want one.
It will be a VERY long time, if ever, that I utter the words "I want a boy friend". One should never say never, but at this particular time, my love life isn't on the back's off the bloody stove!
I just want to surround myself with old friends and new friends, and work on achieving my goals for the future.
Besides. I don't trust my judgment.
How can I? I've now been bitten--twice. Right in the ass. Shame on me.
The first time, I could blame on youth. I had just tossed away a dream--he was magnetic and at first very sweet. OK. So, three of the four years with control freak, jealous Paul were sheer Hell, and I slowly fell into the role of a victim. I eventually woke up, sharpened my teeth and claws, and emotionally ripped him into little pieces. Nothing like turning down a marriage proposal :)
This last relationship with Chris was my fault. I knew better. Even on our perfect first date, a voice inside of me told me to run. He was too charming, too perfect. He offered a dream. I was foolish enough to think that I could take him on. That I wouldn't fall hook line and sinker for the illusion. How could I? I SUSPECTED that it might all be bull, and it was just a matter of time before it fell apart. I'm not stupid! Ahhhh. But this little treacherous voice from the region of my heart whispered that I should take a chance. It feels so might...just REAL. You'll never know...if you don't try...

Stupid fucking voice.

Strong as I was, he found my weakness. Once he exploited that--I was an absolute goner. I have said before that I have never felt safe. I have always been the protector, of others and myself. No man, including members of my family, ever made me feel safe and protected. I always had to fight my own battles, and save my own life. Literally.

He made me feel safe. I don't know what kind of magic it was, for that is what it seemed to be. I could curl up in his arms; surround myself with his warmth and think of nothing more taxing than the rhythm of his heart. With him, I didn't HAVE to be brilliant, clever, strong, independent...invincible. It was OK to let myself lean on him, trust him, have him take care of me, let him be stronger, let myself be vulnerable. Break down all the walls...and just be.
It was a feeling like I had never known, and may never know again. He was the first man I have ever trusted, and in opening myself completely I experienced what it is like to be protected, cherished, and blissfully, blindingly happy. Even if it was a lie, it was such a pretty lie, that I surrendered to it.
Mom warned me that she didn't trust him. I knew like all things that it could blow up in my face...but I was too happy and felt too safe to consider it. He kept playing the part until I believed it, and when the blow up happened, I was blindsided. My fault, I chose to be blind!
No matter what, I didn't expect to see such an ugly and cruel face when his mask finally slipped. The fact that he proved to be such a remarkably selfish coward--and cruel in his thoughtless cowardice, still surprises me. That I bought the bull and ignored my instincts to listen to that little voice makes me feel like an absolute fool. I paid the price for that love and trust and that deliciously seductive feeling of being safe and cherished.
I chose to ignore the warnings and believe in him.
So how can I trust myself now?
Yes. I hate him. I hate Chris with as much passion as I loved him. Hate is, after all, Love's twin. That makes me unhappy. I mastered the art of contempt and indifference long ago with the idea that no one was worth the passion and energy it would take for me to hate him or her. I felt contempt for Paul...and now what I feel for him is the blissful opposite of both love and hate--indifference! If someone informed me that he had just dropped dead, I think that I would be hard pressed to even blink in reaction. He isn't a person to me any longer--just a very good lesson.

But then, I was never in love with him.

If Chris dropped dead, I'd have a party.

Oh Dear.
If I hate him--then I must hate myself for my own foolishness. I'm working on it. I really am! I'm striving for contempt! I'm very bloody good at contempt! Then it will just be a hop skip and a jump to indifference.
It's my last hump, I'm afraid.

That's why I'm only going to focus on friendships for the time being. It's not a matter of distrusting men...but a matter of trusting and relying on my own instincts again when it comes to matters of the heart.
ICK. I've been blubbering like the Drama Queen I am throughout this rambling tirade, and I just got up to splash water on my face. My eyes are THE most obnoxious shade of green at the moment! Typical.
On that note. I'm off to bed. Don't worry. I'm not taking any steps backwards...just analyzing where I am mentally and why. The one good thing about my frame of mind right now--is that the Heroine in my book is a serious bad ass. It's been very therapeutic to channel her :)
Love Nik

12/19/01 Edit


Powers that be help us. It's Holiday Time!

For those of you traveling this year to the bosom of your loving, and charmingly psychotic families--BE CAREFUL!

As for me? It's the normal deal this year. I'm also feeling better about some things. Time is a lovely thing. A few updates back, I was in a rather foul mood. I talked about hating my ex, Chris, and at the time it was very true. I wasn't happy about it--as I don't wish to waste the energy on hating anyone--but I had to be honest.

Now, I am happy to report, that indifference is setting in. Maybe it will never be complete, but I can honestly say that I would no longer have a party at his untimely demise. LOL That was truly wicked of me to say.

It's time to move on in many ways, and this is a pretty good time of year to make yet another change.

So, as always, I wish the best and send my love to my beloved friends and family. Yes...I wish the best--even to not so favorite ex's. *chuckle*

Have a happy and safe holiday, luvs.


1/3/02 Edit


welcome 2002! This year better be fabulous, dammit!

I rang in the new year with Christine, Tina and Kevin at a crazy event put on by Anon Salon here in San Francisco. A lovely affair with themed rooms and plenty of half naked super freaks. Christine got down and crazy with several of the people tripping on X. Bloody hilarious! Pics will be posted.

HA! On a whim, I took two different IQ Tests just to see what I now score as an adult. I think the 170 IQ result of my childhood is my father's acid flashback. On one test I was a 148, and on the other I was a 152.

Pahleeze. Apparently Genius is a score between 146-165. I guess at 137 my Dad is a borderline genius, and at 163 Mom is a certified one. LOL What a bunch of bullshit. Anything that can still rate me as a genius is poppycock.

Anyway. Be safe and happy this year people!

Love Nik


1/18/02 Edit

Well! This has been quite a week. First I have some sad news. My Grandfather passed away on Wednesday the 16th at 7:30pm. It came as no surprise as the doctors had predicted that he wouldn't live out the month back in September! But he was a tough man, and always tended to do what no one expected of him. The funeral is this coming Wednesday, the 23rd. I was asked to sing a song known as the "Cowboy's Lament" (or Streets of Laredo). My Aunt's friend was to sing the Roy Rogers classic "Don't fence me in" but is now unable to--so of course--I'm now singing both songs. Singing while trying not to cry is FUN FUN!
I'll get through it, though. It's what my family wants and I'm honoring Grandpa.

I had some help getting through the night he passed in the form of Michael :)
Michael is my friend from Arcata (near Humboldt) and had to come down here to San Francisco for a conference--so he planned on hanging out with me in all his spare time. He may have had something else other than our friendship on his mind before he came down anyway, because a few days before he drove down he sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a rather unique tongue and cheek poem. (Flowers! The man sent me flowers! I never get flowers!)
Of course I loved them.
Guess he was right. LOL. So our friendship of several months has now turned into something else...not sure what--but we are definitely in the category of "else".
Now. I wouldn't GOSSIP gossip about Michael here--but I can't say anything more.
Yes. I know. A man who has actually read this entire web site in all of it's ranting, emotional and mental dumping ground glory--and he still wishes to take me on. The man has some cahones, I tell you.
`Course he has also known me as a friend, so he knows I'm not dangerous. LOL Oddly, he thinks the fact that I may be a little nuts adds to my charm.
Last night he grumbled about this web site and what I may report here about him. So I asked him, what did he want me to say?
"That I'm handsome, brilliant, and hung like a horse!" He laughed.
(Ooooo. I'm really going to get it for repeating that)

Well. He is handsome! Brilliant? Amazingly so. Hung like a horse? LOL Well. That would make him a bit of a freak of nature, wouldn't it? And difficult to buy pants!
(If he's reading this, he is flexing his fingers in anticipation of holding me down for some serious tickle torture)

Let's just say that he is pretty damn fabulous on all counts!

OK. That's enough update or now.

Love Nik


2/12/02 Edit

Hello Hello! We are long over-due for an update, I know. I've had some set backs-- a week of Salmonella poisoning being one.

Anyway. The stress has been building for the past couple of months--but these last few weeks really pushed me over the edge. Soon after my last update, Shelly gave me her 30 days notice. She had an offer of a new apartment that she just couldn't refuse. Can't blame her! Sweet place!
This prompted some more panic and stress as I scrambled to figure out what i was going to do. Paying the full rent for my dump for a number of months was just a waste of money, and it wasn't worth trying to find another room mate as they plan on renovating my entire building within the year. Moving up north would be ill planned and a bit rash at this time. May/June is the best time to look for a place when you are moving to a college town. So the only smart and adult thing to do? Move back home for three months--save money, and plan the move properly.
Sigh* and try not to kill my parents...
Now--on top of working for my parents and having the entire success of a part of their business resting on my head--I had to find a storage place, movers, and pack up my entire apartment...NOW.
I have a breaking point to my stress. It's how I freak out. I call it, "The MOOD".
Michael walked right into "The MOOD" this past weekend, without a clue as to how to deal with me.
Problem. When I am in this freak out state, my sense of humor goes AWOL. I become super sensitive to obnoxious teasing and THE WORST THING YOU CAN patronize me.

I will kill you.

LOL. It's true. Pushing my buttons in this state is tantamount to a death wish. Those who know me well have learned that I can remain somewhat calm in this state--as long as you leave me alone.

Poor Michael was sucked into my stressful weekend and "The MOOD" with no amour and the terrible, TERRIBLE natural instinct to tease me and use patronizing humor. I think I threatened him with bodily harm several times. He pouted when I snapped his head off--but he was still a champ. Poor guy had to meet most of my family this weekend (Kathy had her Baby!--A boy!) we had nine million things to do and were both deprived of sleep due to my noisy neighborhood.

Tina is still impressed with Michael, though. Not only did he survive my freak out...he's still around. Few people who have pushed my buttons in such a state and are of the male variety are allowed to stick around. I told Tina about one particular patronizing incident (poor guy, his teasing just went south every time) and she said "If I had been in the room with you guys I would have asked him--Um, Michael? Do you LIKE Nikki? Do you want to continue to date her? THEN DON'T DO THAT!" She laughed and said, "Someone saying yeah, uh huh, sure, OK, in that tone of voice is one of the things you hate most in this world!"
Boy is she right about that. Check my pet peeves list at the bottom of this page--it's there as a fair warning!
Even then though--out of "The MOOD" I wouldn't have such a violent reaction. In "The MOOD" it's as good as kicking an injured Lion. LOL

Poor Michael. He accidently kicked the injured Lion a few times in the spirit of trying to cheer me up and make me laugh. I'm a little more human now. I sent myself to my room. Quiet time is pretty much the only way i can get rid of that level of stress and regain my sense of humor. I also got some sleep and my stomach is finally feeling kind of normal again. I don't recommend ever experiencing Salmonella. Bloody dreadful experience. Knocks you on your ass.

So! This weekend I move my stuff into storage--move home...and remember to breathe.

I have to say. As much as I have been overwhelmed by everything piled on my head--hitting my stress limit and freaking out...I would be in an unimaginable state if it were not for Michael. He has been so selfless and patient. Without his help--I would be lost. And for me--that's quite a statement.
The fact that we got through last weekend--and that even in the height of "The MOOD" I could care enough to push it aside long enough to apologize to him and soothe his pouts after I snarled at him...means a lot.

LOL Lucky for him--"The MOOD" isn't a common occurrence. Now he knows that if he ever encounters it again--he just has to restrain himself from gleefully pushing my buttons and leave me alone for some quiet time.

It's still difficult to stay annoyed with a man who sends you flowers (sent me more when I was sick) selflessly gives you his time and attention, romances you at the oddest times, and gives you compliments like "Your eyes are the color of Jade..."
The bloody man just crawls beneath your skin, dammit. Pain in the ass. I must adore him a little bit. (grumbles) After all--I didn't plan on him being in my life. Didn't I swear off men? Thought I did. Ah well. He can be ridiculously fabulous, and even though he comes as a bit of a surprise, I'm glad fate threw us together. He's everything I didn't know I wanted and needed. LOL But he is appreciated. Oh Yes. Adored and appreciated. Even if he does have ridiculously long eyelashes.

:) Love Nik

5/9/02 Edit

Sorry! I've left you hanging for quite some time, haven't I? This will still be a quick update. More next week. I PROMISE. It will be weekly again from now on--I've just been very busy planning my life :)
OK. I left you waiting for news about the trip up north. Beautiful country up there. Would be better without the homeless people who seem quite content to be nothing else--but the area is growing and becoming more gentrified. If I mis-spell anything--ignore it, I don't have spell check with this program. Whatever.
It doesn't look like I will be moving up to Humboldt any longer. New plans. Ukiah/Medicino now. Many reasons--tell you more of them later.
One of the reasons I was moving up there--was to get into shape. Well--I'm well on my way right now. Home gyms are LOVELY. I've been working out for an hour almost every bloody day for almost three months. I lost inches first--building a lot of muscle--and now I've dropped about 12 pounds. Now I'm to the point where I see the scale going down every day. Pretty stubborn when I set my mind to somthing. I also eat about 1200 calories or less a day. As you know--over-eating was never my problem. I still have to remind myself to eat lunch! But talk about learning a new way to cook! I know some yummy recipies now. :)
I also cut about five inches off of my hair. Don't get excited--almost two have already grown back. Besides five isn't much when my hair was past my waist! Now it's just to the middle of my back. OK. That's enough on hair.
What happened with Michael? He is a fabulous, wonderful man. Really. I'm just not his true match--and I'm not in a place where I could be ANYONE'S girlfriend. I'm too focused on pinning down an agent--getting the first book published (IT TAKES FOR FREAKING EVER) working on my SECOND book. Yes 5 chapters are wriiten--building Mom's business, and starting my own.
Sheesh. More details on that later. I'm just sorry that I neglected Michael, and have been a selfish focused bitch. I hope that he stays in my life as a friend. I wish all the best for him. Such a sweetheart.
TRAVEL!!!!! Markela and I have been planning a cousin trip--well--for years. I was waiting for her to get her butt out of college! Miss master degree! Then she was sucked into the corporate world--and god knows my life has been a disaster area--so it has finally come together. In October--we go to Scotland and England!!
Bring on the men with the hot accents! Not saying I want one--I just want to drink hard cider and listen to them talk :)
By October there will be a hell of a lot less of me. Twill be nice to be a hottie again! (grin)
Anyway--castles, hiking, book research. Will be a lovely 14 days. I might stay on for a few more days in London if Kat will have me.
OH Kat! Will you have me? LOL I'll e-mail you with details, love--I just can't wait to see you!!!!! Yeah! I've been having dreams about JJ Watkins...remember him? Bizarre--it's been 12 years--never mind. I'll e-mail.
OK more next week. Promise! Also--as soon as I have the material protected, I'll put some excerpts from my two books on here. Be nice to read something other than my conversational tone, dribble eh?
Love Nik
7/10/02 Edit

OK! Sorry, sorry! Here I promised a rant...and instead went missing in action for three weeks.

No rant this time, I'm afraid. Too freaking happy to rant.

Remember the contest for Dorchester Publishing that I entered at the end of May? Well--I'm on to the next step to being the "new historical voice". They want my manuscript. Whoo hoo!!!!! Guess those first 50 pages and synopsis grabbed `em! I will alert you to the next step--but few make it this far, so I am rather pleased. There will come a time when you guys can log on to the web site, read the excerpts from the books in the running--and vote for your favorite author to win. (These votes get tallied in with all of the professional opinions) I would HOPE that you would vote for me! LOL Sheesh. Ah. Whatever, I'll let you know.


AND! I have met the most incredible man. I've had to pinch myself for weeks. Our relationship is so easy, so down to earth, so harmonious--where the @#$% has he been?! If I could take all of the best traits from all of the men I have ever known (family, friends, boyfriends etc.) and put them together--I would get Justin. I asked him this last weekend if I had ordered him in a catalog and just forgot about it. Now, I'm not saying he's perfect...he's just bloody perfect for me.


I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. Why is this so easy? Why is he so perfect? Everything I have always wanted. Chris came pretty damn close--but it was all an act and he didn't feel the same way about me. Justin is real...he's match. His sense of humor, to his intelligence, his blue/green eyes and dark hair, 6 foot height, strong build, similar temperment... Even the crazy stuff--stuff I rarely share even with a boyfriend...we have in common! Our upbringing, the way we are sexually, how we deal with people and situations. It's strange sometimes. And the chemistry? WOW. I have never experienced anything like it. Neither has he. He's 31 and reacts like he's 18 around me. And speaking of that stuff? PERFECT.

Once again--I think I ordered him from a catalog.

Why the @#$% is fate being so nice? We've both stopped to think about that. He's been used to doing things the hard way like me. The last two years SUCKED for both of us. Hell--when I was working in downtown SF--he worked on the next block! We ate in the same places, walked the same streets. We probably passed each other a hundred times! But we were dating other people then. Damn--if I had known, I would have dumped Chris right then and saved myself a lot of wasted time!

Ah well. Hind sight 20/20 and all that.

Thing is--I'm really happy. I haven't felt this safe and adored...well in a very long time. He's only the second man who has ever made me feel safe, but this time it's real.


I have spent a WEEK with this man--night and day...and he didn't annoy me once. NOT ONCE. Never happened. Even Chris did about 10 things that annoyed the crap out of me when we first met.  LOL


It's now horrible to be without him--I can't even sleep that well. I wake up in the middle of the night reaching for him. Hmm. That's OK. He's the same way. He finds it very disappointing to reach out for me at night--and encounter only empty sheets.


Um...did I mention, that on top of being fabulous, he is a sucessful realtor, makes his own hours, owns his own house and has a fuzzy oggie named Winston who is part pitbull and part basset hound? LOL He also has a very large fuzzy gray kitty.


It's kind of ridiculous what a gem he is, isn't it?


Problem is--after two years of being kind of a shit and dumping all of those guys...I'm in real danger of falling in love here. He makes me feel so calm. He just kisses me and I literally go weak in the knees. I told him that all of this is moving so fast and I'm feeling confusing things, and it worries me. Know what he said?

"There is nothing to be scared of, and nothing to worry about. When it's right, Nikki, it happens this way"


Sheesh. Now I really miss him. Luckily I'm spending this weekend with him :)


Oh yes--weight is still coming off--I'm getting to be a hot momma again. LOL With Justin's amorous help--I should speed up my goal by two months! LOL


Love Nik


7/16/02 Edit

Sheesh. What a bloody mess. Well. Had yet another wonderful weekend with Justin. He's falling in love with me, I'm falling in love with him...he asked me to move in with him...
Mmm. Yes. You read the last part of that correctly. Live with him. He wants me to live with him! Aghh!
Came as a bit of a suprise, and since I have never lived with a man before, it seems kind of scary...but I'm actually quite calm about the whole thing. If I could happily co-exist with any man... that man is Justin.
He simply DOES NOT ANNOY ME! I don't understand it. I thought Chris could make me calm--but dear LORD. I'm just so calm and bloody happy around the man it's ridiculous. Even when he does something silly, I catch myself thinking; "God I love this man!"
He is the one I want to take care of. I want to be in charge of his socks and underwear. (God knows every man needs a woman in charge of that!) LOL I want to worry if he has had breakfast. Keep him safe and spoil him rotten. I want a home with him full of animals, children and laughter. Travel and experience the world with him. Wrap my arms around him every night, and wake up to his incredible blue-green eyes every morning for the rest of my life. Thank you very much.
He's the one.
Now THAT is something I have NEVER said.
So...yes. I will be moving in with him. 
Chris said that one day I would meet a man who would adore me and want to keep me forever. At the time, such a statement coming from my current boyfriend was not terribly appreciated--but he was right.
I met the man, and for the first time, I am glad that Chris dumped me. LOL The last awful two years--I could have done without--but I would have settled in some ways with Chris. Justin is perfect for me in very way. I look into Justin's eyes and forget that any other man exists.
I think Chris is still with Susan--if so, I hope that he found his true match in her. I can't be angry with him any longer. I have no room for such crap. :)
So there ya go. Take this girl off of the market.
Love Nik