Thoughts and updates

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Nicadema.com

Thoughts and updates

Welcome to my page of observations! Here, they will be listed. Good and bad. So may you enjoy them. Disagree, agree. Do what you wish.

2/13/05

Well! Lots going on I can tell you! I'm still not pregnant. We are putting some serious effort into that next month. he he.

I received one of my V-Day prezzies tonight. A digital camera! All of the dark pics of me including on this and the title page were taken tonight. Not bad for a little camera!

Our store is moving online exclusively. That was another reason for getting the camera. Storefronts are too bloody expensive. This way the world can shop us!

Kat is moving home this month!!! Yeah!!!! I get to have her back! It's nice when a good friend isn't on the other side of the world. I think her future is here--not in England.

The marriage is pretty damn fabulous. I think I might have the sexiest hubby on the planet. He gets impossibly better looking every day. Not to say he is perfect. He can be a royal pain in the butt--but he's so damn wonderful most of the time, I forgive him. :) LOL

OK. Lots to do. Just wanted to try to keep this up to date.

Luv nik

10/10/04

Hello all!

So--here we go. I have been working hard (on the treadmill with weights five times a week) and have lost almost 40 pounds. Sure I could take off more--but my next project will take care of another 20 pounds or so. (Puking tends to do that)

I am off the pills and Justin is looking forward to getting me pregnant. LOL Do all men think they have super sperm? My hubby is pretty sure he does. Guess the idea of *ahem* planting his seed *ahem* is a real turn on.

So--the baby watch starts now I guess. Beginning of November will be the time I test. If he has done what he thinks he can--we'll have a baby late July (around my b-day!) If not (more likely with the statistics) We'll try again in November and so on. I am trying to control when the child is born though--astrologically speaking. That may be silly, but an Aquarius and Leo having a Scorpio child? See? Such things would just be wrong.

The store is going along well. Soon we might even make a profit! LOL Justin has opened a second business with no over head. A Landscaping Architect/Design business with a good friend of ours. They already have 5 jobs lined up. It is supporting the store (and us) quite well! Knew I married a brilliant man for a reason. Of course, I am running the store quite successfully myself. Takes more time to build my end!

Back to babies--it is my generation for twins. I've done a little divination (after all-I am a full blown Witch now) and preggers by the end of the year has popped up in every reading as well as cards that signify a multiple birth. Hmmm. We'll see, won't we?

OK. I've gotta run. Too much to do. Let you know something as soon as I do!

Nik

8/16/04

Hello! Once again I've been remiss in my updates, but I've been really frickin busy!

Justin and I opened a metaphysical book, gift and supply store in June.

It is taking some time to build, but the local Pagan community has been wonderful. We are even going to have classes starting in September. Beginning Wicca and Qigong. (Qigong is the core of tai chi and marital arts) Great way to relieve stress.

On the work out front--I've lost 20 pounds and have another 20 to go before I am ready to get pregnant. Since we are aiming for December to start trying, I know I'll make that goal.

Marriage front--I have the best husband in the world. He is my best friend, and we giggle and enjoy each other's company every day. Starting a business is stressful, and money is painfully tight--but we never stop seeing the humor in everything. I have someone who loves me and supports me, and does everything in his power to make me happy.

I thank him for everything he does by spoiling him rotten! That is one spoiled horrible thing, I tell you! LOL

But the business is picking up, and we look forward to hiring employees within the next 6 months and taking off somewhere for a vacation. I have no idea how long it will take to get pregnant. On average it is one to six months after you start trying.

So--either we will still be trying, or I'll be in the early months of babydom on that trip. Can't wait. No matter what.

Both of our clocks are going off. I just turned 33, and it's about time I was a Mom. Sheesh.

Oh yeah--2 is the limit unless twins happen. On my side, it's my generation to have twins. Hmmm. We'll see!

So there ya go. Growing a business, Happy in my marriage, getting to weight goal for baby...

Love Nik

3/18/04

Well! I have news. I know--I suck at updates. They have gone from weekly to monthly...to whenever. But I can't be self-obsessed like some other people out there on the web. Some people live more in their on-line updates than they do in their lives! I'm not one to record my weight, the last time I sneezed, every friggin conversation with my mate. ICH! Get OVER YOURSELVES!

This site will always stay as it was originally intended--to update my beloved friends and family who read this site on major life occurances and yes--the odd rant or two. I've accidently helped some strangers along the way with my personal trials and moments of insanity--and I'm glad of that. I'm still not reporting my last sneeze.

OK--on to the actual update.

Justin and I will be changing our last name. Backstory needed, I know.

Justin was adopted when he was ten by his step-father. So now he has an Italian last name and not one drop of Italian blood in him. His parents were divorced right before we were engaged and his relationship with his step-father was never good. In fact--he dis-owned Justin and boycotted our wedding. Yes. He's a real control freak ass-hole.

Justin's natural father...hmmm. What can I say about him? Super semi-ex criminal who is a complete screw up? Hmmm. Yeah. Sounds about right. I'm afraid he screwed up one too many times and Justin disowned HIM. So he doesn't want the Italian name--and refuses to honor his birth father by going back to his birth name (his father was also adopted by a step-father so it wasn't his father's birth name anyway)...

I know! Complicated!

So we have gone back into Justin's family tree on his mother's side and are going to change our name back to one of the Scottish Clans he belongs to. Those of you who know me personally will find out that name of course--but you can't put that kind of info out on the net! LOL

Turns out that the Clan he belongs to were allies of the Clans in my heritage. Awww. Another funny note...remember the book I wrote (still working on getting it published) The Clan name I used for the Heroine of the book--will be our new last name! How strange is that?

So things are a bit more complicated when both married parties are changing to a new last name. More paper work and some court time. We will get it all done soon enough. then we will start our own family--on our own terms, and our children will have a last name that is of their heritage.

Yep. I still want to name my son Devon. (If I have a son) That name didn't quite work as well with the current last name! LOL And for a daughter...in our whimsical discussions...we quite like the name Haven. Haven Chase Mac------. That would suit an ivory skinned dark haired girl with her father's blue-green eyes. You think? :)

OK. I have to go--I promise to write more soon--beacause I actually have some things to say. LOL

Lots of love,

Nik

1/15/04

Married married!!!

Dear God in Heaven that took forever! Couldn't we have eloped? Nope. Our Mother's had a fit. So I used my crappy scanner and scanned a bunch of pics until I was scanned out. They are a bit blurry but you can get the general idea. IT was a lovely day, but you have no idea how badly we wanted to run out of there and just be alone together.

I was ravished later that night. :)

So I will have more details and pics of the honeymoon (disneyworld) as soon as we have them developed.

Our wedding party was great--they all looked smashing and gorgeous. My best friend Tina repaid the honor (I was her maid of) and was my Matron of Honor in Silver. My Cousin Christine of the cousin page was lovely in Rose Burgandy and my other gorgeous first cousin Markela was stunning in deep blue.

I have to give kudo's to my life savers though. Kat kept me sane all morning when little things were going wrong--and it was pouring down rain. She did everything she could to help me. She made the day all bout me with a wonderful selflessness I hope that I can repay when her special day comes around.

And Shelly. Shelly came in like a fresh breeze in another moment of crisis--making sure thinge were happening on time and delivering messages between Justin and myself before the ceremony.

It seems little now--but no way to attach your veil, no-one to help you get into the more complicated aspects of your dress (Mom was late to help), a rip in the hundred flounce petticoat--etc. It's huge in the moment.

At least I was calm until the final hour. I only started becoming agitated when things started running late--and I was the last one getting dressed. The Bride kinda needs help on the big day and I was a little abandoned due to other stuff going on. Kat helped as much as she could--and Christine was with me--but God love the cousin--I was doing her make-up and helping her get ready first.

But despite some of the gliches--once I came downstairs (we were married in a victorian mansion that is also a bed and breakfast) everything went off without a hitch. The rest of the evening was perfect. I think I have the sexiest husband in the world.

Wedding schmedding--he's mine now. all mine :)

OK that's enough. Pictures speak louder than words. Go to the wedding page.

Love Nik

5/28/03

Man! I am becoming sporatic! Sorry I haven't been doing the regular update. I've been swamped with the wedding stuff--and writing to the people who have managed to stumble across my little corner of the web.

Is there a broken heart epidemic out there? I'm so sorry that so many people seem to be hurting. I hope that my advice has been helpful. I wish that I could offer a better balm or solution than "time".

Just know that it does get better--and "The Fates" aren't quite the cruel bitches I've made them out to be in the past. :)

This is where the entry ends--as I have no more news to offer other than tedious wedding details and some digustingly sweet sentiment about Justin. I shall spare you of both.

Love Nik

3/22/03

I am sorry for my 4 months of silence on this site. I have had so much going on--I've had to put it on the back burner.

For those old acquaintances and strangers who occasionally check in on this site--I can tell you what my friends already know...I'M ENGAGED! :)

Justin proposed to me while we were in London on January 20th. After a day of sight seeing in and around the Tower of London, we walked up to the Tower Bridge overlooking the Thames. The weather was slowly turning nasty and it started to rain as twilight fell. In the shelter of my umbrella, he wrapped an arm around me and asked, "Do you love me?"

"More than anything in the world" I smiled.

"Do you ever wish to be with anyone else?" he asked.

"No, I never want to be with anyone else" I answered as I reached up to stroke his cheek.

"Then will you be my wife? Will you marry me?"

As he said this he fished in his jeans pocket and pulled out a beautiful diamond ring.

"Where were you hiding that!" I exclaimed.

He laughed and said that it had been in his pocket all day, and that I needed to answer an important question.

"Yes!" I laughed and kissed him.

Because of the weather--the bridge and the area we were standing was suddenly deserted except for a couple nearby who clearly didn't speak any English. Through lots of sign language and gesturing--we conveyed that we just got engaged and asked if they would please take our picture. LOL We both look like a wet mess--maybe I'll put the pic on the site.

The other lovely event that took place in London, was being able to hug Kat for the first time in over ten years. We've kept our friendship going through correspondence--but nothing beats being able to touch your friend and physically be able to hang out and socialize with them. Her boyfriend Ash and Justin hit it off instantly, and the four of us had a really good time. Kat and Ash also generously let us stay with them the entire trip, and were actually sad when it was time for us to leave! LOL I guess we were the rare guests who didn't get "fishy" after a few days. :)

Still, it was lovely to see Kat--who looks gorgeous by the way--and meet Ash for the first time. I'm looking forward to then coming out for the wedding--so we can spoil them back.

Now for the wedding. UGH! I have always known I don't have the patience for a wedding.

It will take place on the 6th of December in a lovely Victorian Mansion in the Wine Country of California. Luckily, about 20 minutes from where we live. LOL I've decided that the theme will be Victorian--though early Victorian, about 1840-1850. Called the "Romantic Period" it was the time of bare shoulders, tight bodices and big skirts. The mansion will be decorated for Christmas, and after the ceremony is done on the large terrace--everyone will have a run of the mansion and be fed from the 5 star rated kitchen. Justin and I--as well as a good number of friends and family will be spending the night in the gorgeously restored rooms. Of course, knowing me, there is one odd little catch...the place is quite notoriously haunted. :)

We are keeping it small--80 guests. Justin and I have the same philosophy. If we don't know you, or you haven't seen us since we were 5--we aren't paying to feed you. :)

Honeymoon is being worked on--currently it looks like a cruise to Hawaii.

If our Mothers wouldn't kill us--we would hop on a plane right now and elope in Vegas.

Oh I'm serious. I have a very lovely wedding in the works--but the most important thing to me is not one day out of my life. The most important thing to me is starting my life with Justin. He is the most important thing!

Kids. Oy. Plan is to work on being pregnant nov/dec of 2004. Then try again for #2 march/april 2006. Kill me now. LOL Naw. I'm really looking forward to kids. Justin will be an amazing Dad. I should be a damn good Mother, myself. :)

OK. That is the main update for now. Oh! I;m currently working in Ad sales and making nice money. Just bought a new car--Mazda Tribute. Should eventually become the family car. In another year--we'll work on the club--then I can stay home with the baby---hmmmm. Stuff like that. Gives me a headache to plan this far ahead.

So I send my love--and I'll give updates as they happen!

Nik

11/25/02

OK. OK. I shouldn't be telling you this--and Justin will kill me if he happens to check up on me and read this site...but what the hell.

This last week--the two of us spent even more time together because we were both home sick with the flu. The flu was mild enough to just be annoying--but we did a lot of talking...among other things. AHEM!

Out of the blue in one conversation, he asked me if I wanted his children.

"Do I want your children?" I breathlessly chuckled. "Darling I can't wait to have your children. You are the only man I want and will ever want. You, and only you...I look forward to the day I make you a father..."

He sighed then and groaned more to himself, "Then why do we wait?" "Why delay it?" Then he shook his head and held me close and said: "Oh honey, just be patient. Can you be patient for just a couple of months...just until London?" Then, "Damn! I've said too much...awww now I have to think of something else, I ruined the surprise..."

"No!" I laughed. "I know nothing! Besides...we are going to be in London for almost three weeks---that's quite a bit of time...I still wouldn't know when it was coming! That's still a surprise!"

So--the proposal will be done while we are in England--or he could be a wily shit and suprise me at another time. LOL I don't know. The only thing I do know--is that I can't wait to be his wife. Guess that makes my answer YES, hmmm? LOL Besides--if I marry him, I won't have to change my initials. I tease him about how convenient it is that his last name begins with an S.

So--still happy. Have another job offer that keeps me more local than the other one--and pays more. I think I'll stay closer to home. By spring we will be starting up the club in downtown Santa Rosa. People up here have been begging for a taste of San Francisco. So no matter what job I choose--it will only be a short while before I quit to join Justin in running the club. This has been a long standing dream of his--and me? Running a place that is a music venue? How can I not be in heaven? Punk, Rock, Jazz, Blues...something different every weekend. And A different theme night on weekdays. We have it all worked out--but you'll have to see it yourselves for all of the details. We are all (we=includes friends who will work for us) going to bartending school as well, at some point, so that any of us can hop behind the bar and help when it gets crazy.

Life is never dull up here with my luv--that is a fact. :)

Love Nik

11/08/02

I haven't been doing a weekly update--because there just isn't a lot to say right now. All I would do is gush about Justin, and i'm sure that gets old. LOL

I will say that I want to marry that man. In truth I just want to get it over with so that our marriage can begin. Our life together has already begun--but I want him to offically and legally be mine all mine. LOL Hmm. Guess that's old fashioned.

I am going for a second interview for a job that excites and scares me. It involves sales, seminars and training--all up my alley--and *gulp* 75% travel. I'll be gone two-three weeks out of every four. Going all over the country. Good thing is--they let you keep the frequent flyer miles--and let you fly in you significant other. If I'm close--like Oregon, they fly me home for the weekend.

Justin says I should go for it--it would be a fun challenge for me for a while. Since kids aren't in the immediate agenda--this would be the time to do it. He says: "Distance makes the dick grow harder..."

LOL Total shit.

Here is the man I love....

Need I say more? LOL

Things are great. Still in love, happy as a clam. Who WAS I a year ago?

Love Nik

10/18/2002

Wow. Crazy life.

I'm a lucky girl and I know it. Justin is still a dream. Sure he can be a pain in the ass, but he's MY pain in the ass. LOL

I've cut off more of my hair-- another five inches in fact. It's now kind of layered and sassy. The longest part just hits the top of my shoulders and the rest flips and frames my face. I'll take some pics soon, I promise, so that the web site is updated.

The change was Justin's idea. He thought I should accentuate my face. When I walked in the door he exclaimed "Oh! it's just what I wanted!". LOL He also has a talent for dyeing hair, and convinced me to go from my deep brown color to blue/black. It actually looks really good and natural--my coloring was already dramatic so it wasn't too much of a shock. (Then I dyed his hair black) he he.

Damn he is sexy with his hair that dark. His eyes glow.

I'm looking for a sales job up here so that I can make more money. Working for mom pays me nothing. Justin makes quite a bit of mulla, but I want to contribute more to the household. I feel almost "kept" as it is!

And I finally get to go to London!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kat--I will write an e-mail to you with the details, because seeing you is an important part of the agenda!

Justin's Mom is pretty wonderful, and knowing that we have been planning a trip to the UK, decided that for Christmas she would buy us two round trip tickets to London. (Justin's Dad gets to take the credit for this as well) We will go in January for two weeks and spend his birthday Jan 22, over there.

Yes, our parents are still making noises about marriage and grand babies, but we are still taking it all in stride.

I can't wait to go on this adventure with him. Oh guys, I can't believe how my life has changed since last year. It's kind of like a dream. I'm absolutely cherished and spoiled and told I'm loved multiple times a day. He's a best friend, he's a confidant, a play mate, a romantic lover...how could I ask for anything more?

I look at him and know he is "the one". He is the father of my children, the man I want to grow old with but not grow up with. He's the one who will make out with me in front of our grand children because the passion is still there and just for fun to freak them out. He is the one I want to take care of, the one I can put before myself.

The fact that I can attack him and zerbert his belly whenever I wish... is just a bonus. LOL

OK. That's enough gushing. I promise updated pics next time so you can see what I look like now. I'll try to get a few decent ones of Justin too--but he shrinks from the camera like a vampire from sunlight...so wish me luck on that.

:)

Love Nik

9/20/02

Hi! Sorry. Didn't mean to go MIA for almost a month, but a lot as been happening.

Justin and I are still happy and very much in love, LOL, don't worry about that. We have just been working on our home, painting...getting all of my stuff put away.

It has been strange though. I always thought that living with a man wouls drive me nuts. I thought that I would yearn for space and miss sleeping alone.

Nope. Not yet! :)

I love falling alsleep next to him, and I love waking up to see his face and hear his voice. OK. So it helps that the sex is INCREDIBLE--but with an amazing man like Justin...that's just a bonus. LOL

Living with him is like being with a best friend all of the time. We giggle like children, and tease eachother, play games and genuinely enjoy each other's company. We like to do our separate projects as well. No one feels neglected. If we need to connect--we just go find the other person, get some kisses, and then go back to what we were doing.

Funny, too--how the more you love someone the more beautiful they become to you. There is no doubt that he is a good looking guy--but as time has gone on, I think he's just about the purtyest thang I ever have seen. LOL Sorry. Inside joke. It cracks him up when I call him pretty.

Some changes? Well. I have cut my hair...again. I think it was another 7-8 inches. It is now cut to a few inches below my shoulders. It was Justin's suggestion--and he was right. Looks good. Yep--still working out. It's still coming off bit by bit.

I wasn't voted one of the three finalists in the publishing contest, but that doesn't suprise me. The book I wrote isn't the kind that Dorchester usually publishes. They tend to stick to the fantasy--light hearted bubble gum stuff. My book has blood and guts and dark humor. that's OK. I'm now going after the publishing houses that DO like my kind of book, and see if I can get a contract.

Much better than a one book deal contest anyway. :)

Thing is--they have yet to return my manuscript. You always include a SASE (self adresed stamped envelope) when you send it in so that you can get it back.

Wonder why they are holding on to it? Hmmm.

OK. That's about it for now--OH! I have a few pics of Justin--but I don't know how to load them on from the digital camera. I'll have to rope him into doing it for me.

I love that man. I really do. It seems incredible sometimes that he loves me just as much in return and that he tells me so at least twice a day.

Damn! I miss him just writing this! Good thing he gets home soon! LOL

Love, nik

8/22/02

Well--today marks two weeks together, and Justin and I are still happy and in love. So much for my step bro from Hell's prediction.

Fought my first speeding ticket (well--my first ticket ever) in court yesterday. Unfortunately the cop showed up--and LIED! LIED! He said that he was on the other side of the street from where he had actually been--said he had been sitting on his bike pointing a radar gun towards traffic--when in fact he had been parked in front of the high school with his arms crossed over his chest laughing and in deep conversation with an older man who was likely a teacher or the principal. No radar gun. I was going 25. He claims I was doing 41. When he stopped me he told me that there had been speeding complaints and that he had a quota to fill.

Did the truth help me?

No.

I told the truth, the judge looked at me and pronounced me guilty. I can't believe that the citizen-no matter if the officer is lying--is always guilty. I was furious. Still fucking am. OK I've got to talk about something else now.

We are working on getting the house in order. This "nesting" thing is funny business. I actually like to go to Home Depot now. Before my attitude was "But it's an entire aisle of NAILS!"

I have such a bloody domestic side now. I cook dinner, I do the dishes and keep things clean and picked up. I do the laundry for both of us...and I don't mind! I massage his hands with lotion when they are dry and gave him his first foot rub ever. Boy--he has a hard life, doesn't he? LOL

But I do those things because I want to. Beacuse he doesn't expect them--just appreciates them.

My reward is all of the spoiling I get in return and falling asleep every night next to a man who loves me very much and is so beautiful to me it hurts sometimes.

Just can't stop kissing him.

I look at him and instead of thinking "Hmmm. is this all there is?" I think "Oh yes. He is all I want and need"

Problem is--I find him very cute even when he is irritated about something. "I can't be cute in EVERYTHING I do..." he grumbled to me yesterday after telling me something that had happened that day to piss him off--and I remarked that he was cute when grumpy. "Oh Yes" I repiled, "There is no dignity--you are cute in all that you do--even when you are being fierce"

He grumbled some more--but much later that night as I nibbled on him and teased him, he conceded that he was indeed cute and fabulous in all that he did. LOL

Sigh* Poor Justin. I tease him terribly---but he loves it. Besides, he gets me back.

We've been joking about this two week limit to our happiness. "How many more days?" he would ask

"Two"

"OK Baby, we only have two more days of happiness left--then all hell brakes loose, better make the most of it!"

Apparently JP aka step bro from hell is not taking my move very well. He's asked a million questions about our relationship (to Mom of course NEVER me) and every time he talks to someone else in the family--Me "running off with this guy" is all he can talk about. When he tells the story--I have known Justin for two days before he shows up, gathers all of my stuff and carries me away.

Whatever.

Justin said that for a man who hates me, he's awfully damn interested in everything that I do.

Again--the meeting between Justin and JP will be hilarious. Should be a ticketed event!

OK Luvs--got a lot to do. Update next week: Nightmares!

love Nik

8/12/02

Hello hello! I gave not fallen off the face of the planet...I've been moving in with Justin!

It's been a lot of fun. My stuff is everywhere! He just put it up on the walls and around the house. Everyone says that i have very cool stuff and his house is finally looking like a home.

We are "nesting".

I laughed at him yesterday and told him that he was nesting, and he said "well of course I am!"

He tells me he loves me all the time, but especially before we fall asleep. He tells me he's so glad that i am here and finally home with him.

I love him so much i can barely stand it! LOL Here we are--two easily annoyed individuals, who can have really pissy natures around the wrong people and can be mean as hell if provoked...and we are just two soft fuzzy beings around one another. I don't know how--but we just calm each other down. i've never been so happy...and neither has he. his friends say that he has transformed since he met me.

What do you think...have I transformed? LOL

Yeah. just a little.

I'm still on the treadmill. Justin moved it for me. I now work out in the pool room--so named for the large pool table and the interesting and eclectic stuff on the walls. It's the party room--let's face it. I'm feeling the burn though. Justin keeps me...ahem...active. the combination is kicking my butt! LOL

The parents still adore him--I have his parents stamp of approval...he earned the COUSIN approval from both Markela and Christine. Christine adores him.

Sigh* Everyone keeps trying to marry us off and order grand babies! All in good time! Sheesh!

I know that i am home now. Justin is home. He is my partner in life and will be the father of my children. I have no doubt--he has no doubt...it's just one of those fantasically strange things.

My step brother from hell gives it two weeks.

LOL

JP thinks that i am just awful and that Justin will hate me and throw me out after living with me for that period of time.

I told Justin this, and boy did his eyes flash bright green for a moment. "Yes. From all you have told me, My Dear, I can't wait to meet this...step brother of yours" "what are you going to do, luv...behave yourself now"

"Oh don't worry, I can be very charming when I say `Shut the fuck up'"

That will be an interesting meeting :)

OK! I'm off to do work! All my love!

Nik

7/31/02

"Well, well, well, Tina. At last we meet..."

Or rather, at last we e-mail. This was Justin's response to a rather hilarious and forward e-mail sent to him by my very sneaky best friend of 22 years.

Tina has been privy to a good deal of my private info over the years, including the password to my e-mail account. Seems she used this info to sign in to my e-mail account and retrieve Justin's e-mail address. All in the name of Nikki Birthday Conspiracy!

Fortunately, Justin found her to be hilarious and was quite willing to conspire against me. The funny thing is--he didn't need any help in choosing my gifts, he knew what he was going to do. Tina wanted to pick HIS brain for ideas. LOL. I have a feeling her gift has something to do with the house if she wanted his opinion. HMMM. Won't know until this Saturday when I get her gift. Those two are very naughty. Tina kept warning him not to let anything slip. "She's really smart! You say one wrong thing...and she'll KNOW!"

Well. They got me! Its a real coo for Tina. She's been trying to pull one over on me for years. LOL. I have to say--she deserves an academy award for this performance!

Should be interesting when these two meet face to face on Saturday. I'm doomed. Doomed to future surprises and conspiracies I just know it!

Now Justin said something about five gifts...but I think that was just to keep me thinking and throw me off. In truth he did give me five gifts--though I dont think that was his intention. I'll clarify that in a moment. :)

Justin came down from Santa Rosa on Friday, and a little after midnight when it was officially my b-day, he gave me my presents.

The first is a wonderful book,The Scots Dialect Dictionary. A treasure trove of info for me when I revise my book with an editor! It's also a fascinating read on its own. I love knowing archaic words.

The second gift proves just how well he listens to me. I think I only mentioned that I plan to write a book inspired by women pirates in the future--once. He bought a wonderful research book for me written by the leading authority on the life, times and history of pirates. Mmmm.

My third gift...left me speechless. Literally. I think I sat there with my mouth open for a full minute before I managed to say; "Are they real?" Well. You can't blame me. After all, it isn't often in her life that a woman is looking down at perfectly matched diamond stud earrings! I think I'm still in shock. When I'm not wearing them (yes they look perfect) I pull them out to confirm that they exist. Mmm hmmm. Still in shock. LOL I feel very very spoiled and very very loved.

Now those gifts are amazing. No doubt about it. But gifts four and five cannot be measured in monetary value. Gifts four and five are priceless.

Gift four is a broken curse. Now that's a gift. Not just anyone can break a curse a decade strong, ya know. But I have seen my last bad luck, sad, loveless birthday. Broke the lifetime of dateless birthdays curse too!

My fifth gift is the best gift of all. Justin. This wonderful, impossible man loves me. ME. Our relationship is strangely effortless and harmonious. We understand one another, and share the same dreams. He makes me happy, and I am a better person for knowing and loving him. True love. Is there a better gift in all the world?

On my birthday, Justin and I went with my parents to Scots in Jack London Square. WE ate, we drank, and we had a really good time! LOL (The parents like him. I mean really really like him) I think I smiled my entire birthday. Yep. My 31^st was the best birthday of my adult life...so far:)

Love Nik

7/26/02

Well! Despite the rather depressing inevitability of turning 31 tomorrow--everything else is wonderful. :)

Yes, Justin is still fabulous...I love him...and he loves me! Oh yes. The words have been spoken. He isn't stingy with them either.

He's coming over today and spending my B-Day weekend with me. The CURSE IS OVER! I HAVE NEVER HAD A DATE OR BOYFRIEND WITH ME ON MY B-DAY EVER AND NOW I WILL. It has been predicted more than once; that the man who breaks this curse will be the man I marry. Justin is very happily breaking this curse. LOL Does he know what he's getting into?

He also went shopping! SHOPPING! I think he said that he has 5 presents for me. 5! I have absolutely no idea what he could have possibly found. He told me that he listens to me, and what I have said was enough to give him ideas. Ideas on what?! I am totally stumped. He also can't wait to give them to me. I told him that we could wait until tomorrow when it's my real B-Day--but that didn't fly with him. LOL He's like me--he likes giving gifts more than he likes receiving them. He gets so excited!

I really love this man.

Sometimes I find myself daydreaming of the two of us, with a beautiful little girl snuggled on our laps. Dark hair and big hazel green eyes, with her Daddy's heart wrapped around one tiny finger. :)

Justin has already told me that if we have a daughter or daughters, I will have to be the diciplinarian. He will be helpless against them. LOL Now--a son he will adore, but he will be able to met out punishment. His girl(s) will rule him.

IT's funny--because Justin is such a PRESENCE. He can be very intimidating to someone who doesn't know him. I've seen him lightly scowl at some punk who was crossing his path, and the posing kid would instantly lose his bravado and scurry away. Awww. My honey can be very fierce. LOL It's just that he doesn't have to posture or bluff or prove himself. He has kicked more than his fair share of ass in his time. He KNOWS he can take on anyone who would challenge him, and he wears this knowledge with an easy confidence. I feel so safe with him. It is just going to be amusing to see him taken down by his beautiful daughter(s). My fierce man...a puddle of goo.

Course for those who know and love him--he is goo. He's just protective and very loyal to his loved ones.

The other day on the phone he asked me when I was coming home. At first I thought he meant when was I coming or another visit. But he meant when was I coming HOME to HIM to STAY. :) He was ready to jump in the Expedition and gather all of my stuff from my parents house and move me the next day! Awww. He has now left the "ball in my court". I can come home whenever I wish, just let him know, and he'll come to get me. I've already earned the title of "MOM" with his fuzzies. He gave me flowers when I was last up there--and I couldn't find a vase. It just so happens that one was behind a plant right in front of my face. Justin sighed, looked down at Winston (the dog) and said, "It's a good thing that your Mom is so pretty"

Pain in the ass.

That's OK. Justin has his "pretty" moments as well. I let it be known. :)

OK. Got lots to do. This weekend is just Justin--next weekend we go out and celebrate my dreaded 1 tacked on to my 30.

All my love, Nik

7/16/02

Sheesh. What a bloody mess. Well. Had yet another wonderful weekend with Justin. He's falling in love with me, I'm falling in love with him...he asked me to move in with him...

Mmm. Yes. You read the last part of that correctly. Live with him. He wants me to live with him! Aghh!

Came as a bit of a suprise, and since I have never lived with a man before, it seems kind of scary...but I'm actually quite calm about the whole thing. If I could happily co-exist with any man... that man is Justin.

He simply DOES NOT ANNOY ME! I don't understand it. I thought Chris could make me calm--but dear LORD. I'm just so calm and bloody happy around the man it's ridiculous. Even when he does something silly, I catch myself thinking; "God I love this man!"

He is the one I want to take care of. I want to be in charge of his socks and underwear. (God knows every man needs a woman in charge of that!) LOL I want to worry if he has had breakfast. Keep him safe and spoil him rotten. I want a home with him full of animals, children and laughter. Travel and experience the world with him. Wrap my arms around him every night, and wake up to his incredible blue-green eyes every morning for the rest of my life. Thank you very much.

He's the one.

Now THAT is something I have NEVER said.

Shit.

So...yes. I will be moving in with him.

Chris said that one day I would meet a man who would adore me and want to keep me forever. At the time, such a statement coming from my current boyfriend was not terribly appreciated--but he was right.

I met the man, and for the first time, I am glad that Chris dumped me. LOL The last awful two years--I could have done without--but I would have settled in some ways with Chris. Justin is perfect for me in very way. I look into Justin's eyes and forget that any other man exists.

I think Chris is still with Susan--if so, I hope that he found his true match in her. I can't be angry with him any longer. I have no room for such crap. :)

So there ya go. Take this girl off of the market.

Love Nik

7/10/02

OK! Sorry, sorry! Here I promised a rant...and instead went missing in action for three weeks.

No rant this time, I'm afraid. Too freaking happy to rant.

Remember the contest for Dorchester Publishing that I entered at the end of May? Well--I'm on to the next step to being the "new historical voice". They want my manuscript. Whoo hoo!!!!! Guess those first 50 pages and synopsis grabbed `em! I will alert you to the next step--but few make it this far, so I am rather pleased. There will come a time when you guys can log on to the web site, read the excerpts from the books in the running--and vote for your favorite author to win. (These votes get tallied in with all of the professional opinions) I would HOPE that you would vote for me! LOL Sheesh. Ah. Whatever, I'll let you know.

AND! I have met the most incredible man. I've had to pinch myself for weeks. Our relationship is so easy, so down to earth, so harmonious--where the @#$% has he been?! If I could take all of the best traits from all of the men I have ever known (family, friends, boyfriends etc.) and put them together--I would get Justin. I asked him this last weekend if I had ordered him in a catalog and just forgot about it. Now, I'm not saying he's perfect...he's just bloody perfect for me.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. Why is this so easy? Why is he so perfect? Everything I have always wanted. Chris came pretty damn close--but it was all an act and he didn't feel the same way about me. Justin is real...he's just...my match. His sense of humor, to his intelligence, his blue/green eyes and dark hair, 6 foot height, strong build, similar temperment... Even the crazy stuff--stuff I rarely share even with a boyfriend...we have in common! Our upbringing, the way we are sexually, how we deal with people and situations. It's strange sometimes. And the chemistry? WOW. I have never experienced anything like it. Neither has he. He's 31 and reacts like he's 18 around me. And speaking of that stuff? PERFECT.

Once again--I think I ordered him from a catalog.

Why the @#$% is fate being so nice? We've both stopped to think about that. He's been used to doing things the hard way like me. The last two years SUCKED for both of us. Hell--when I was working in downtown SF--he worked on the next block! We ate in the same places, walked the same streets. We probably passed each other a hundred times! But we were dating other people then. Damn--if I had known, I would have dumped Chris right then and saved myself a lot of wasted time!

Ah well. Hind sight 20/20 and all that.

Thing is--I'm really happy. I haven't felt this safe and adored...well in a very long time. He's only the second man who has ever made me feel safe, but this time it's real.

Sigh*

I have spent a WEEK with this man--night and day...and he didn't annoy me once. NOT ONCE. Never happened. Even Chris did about 10 things that annoyed the crap out of me when we first met. LOL

It's now horrible to be without him--I can't even sleep that well. I wake up in the middle of the night reaching for him. Hmm. That's OK. He's the same way. He finds it very disappointing to reach out for me at night--and encounter only empty sheets.

Um...did I mention, that on top of being fabulous, he is a sucessful realtor, makes his own hours, owns his own house and has a fuzzy oggie named Winston who is part pitbull and part basset hound? LOL He also has a very large fuzzy gray kitty.

It's kind of ridiculous what a gem he is, isn't it?

Problem is--after two years of being kind of a shit and dumping all of those guys...I'm in real danger of falling in love here. He makes me feel so calm. He just kisses me and I literally go weak in the knees. I told him that all of this is moving so fast and I'm feeling confusing things, and it worries me. Know what he said?

"There is nothing to be scared of, and nothing to worry about. When it's right, Nikki, it happens this way"

Sheesh. Now I really miss him. Luckily I'm spending this weekend with him :)

Oh yes--weight is still coming off--I'm getting to be a hot momma again. LOL With Justin's amorous help--I should speed up my goal by two months! LOL

Love Nik

6/13/02

Well. Tina, who has been present to observe JP's bizarre and insulting behavior over the past 13 years, has given her opinion on the situation. She thinks that the In love theory is a bit over the top. (Thank you!)

Unfortunately, she does think SOMETHING is going on with him. What? Well, she attempted to speculate, but when she said things like "lust", I was done with the conversation. I don't care what he feels for me. I just want to be able to peacefully co-exist with him in social situations. I find it hard to understand this kind of behavior in a 34-year old man. One of these days, I'm going to lose my temper with his nasty conduct--take him out at the knees and tell him to grow up. I'll do it in front of the entire bloody family if I have to.

OK. Enough on the stepbrother from Hell subject. I refuse to think about him until I have to deal with him...hmmm...which will be Fathers Day. Joy. I'll just ignore him like I did at the christening.

How is the working out coming along you may ask? Just fine thank you very much. It was only a minor set-back of a week due to the monster cold I'm recovering from, but I still managed to take off a few pounds. When you work your ass off to reprogram your body into loss mode--its lovely when it actually works!!! I've lost inches all over the place, but the pounds seem to come off more slowly because of all of the muscle I've been building. 20 pounds in all has now been shed. Every time I bend over, Mom has to exclaim on how my ass is going down. Of course she remarks on all the changes, but she seems rather fixated on my ass. Mom has issues. LOL I can only see my end goal and the more dramatic result, so its difficult for me to see what I've accomplished. The only reason I know its really working--is the fact that all of my clothes are loose! I bought a tank-ini and a pair of swim shorts for when I do my laps, and if I lose a few more pounds, I'm going to swim right out of those shorts! Hmmm. I guess I better start wearing the bottoms of my bathing suit underneath. LOL

I am now also adding pilates. I bought the tapes, and will begin adding the 20 minute work-out to my routine three days a week starting tomorrow.

Hey Kat. Am I still inspiring you, or are you as exhausted as I am? LOL

It's going to be a while before my business is going to start to be really profitable, so I'm also looking for a sales trainer job in the North Bay to get there faster. We'll see. 'Im just going to relax and not stress out about everything. Things will happen when they happen. Hard work pays off.

OK Loves. I promise a rant next week. I know its been a while since I presented a good comically irate rant. J

Love Nik

6/6/02

Ugh. I am bloody miserable. Saturday, I was in the city with the parental units to attend little Michael's Baptism...and someone at the party gave us all a dreadful cold. Apparently Kathy is suffering as well...but my baby nephew is fine. I HATE having a sore throat. (grumble)

Now. I have something disturbing to share with you. It involves my step-brother from HELL...JP.

Yes. I have been a happy camper since he moved out. Practically danced. But now there is this horrible theory being bantered about by my Aunt Billie and other members of my family, (even MOM has given it serious thought) that...brace yourselves...JP is secretly in love with me.

Uck. I feel sick just TYPING IT! I have tried to convince the perpetrators of this theory that they are indeed insane, and have attempted to relay the FACTS of the past 13 years as proof.

JP HATES me. Not an emotional temporary kind of hate...a true, proved it for over a decade kind of hate.

The man cannot talk to me for more than ten minutes without yelling, snapping or glaring at me.

If we are alone together, he will not speak to me. Even if I ask him a question. He'll just glare and turn his back. He NEVER says hello or good-bye to me. NEVER.

He spent years giving me the cheapest gifts at x-mas. He shopped at Macy's and the mall for everyone else's gifts, and went to Target for mine. I know this--because he never bothered to remove the tags. Like the year he bought expensive chenille throws for everyone, and I received a $12.99 cotton throw from Target.

Oh Yeah. That's a man in LOVE!

LOL If looks could kill--JP would have done away with me over a thousand times by now.

But he does do some odd things that don't make any sense. When I'm not around, he asks about me. What am I doing, where am I going, am I dating...blah blah blah. It stopped while we were living in the same house, but I noticed that he always seemed to be around to listen to my conversations with Mom. Now that he is back in the city...he calls her and when the subject invariably turns to me...the questions begin again. He also does this at family events that I don't attend. Mike and Lori (other step bro and his wife) had a Cinco de Mayo party--and he cornered Mom there with some odd questions.

"So, Nikki still cooking dinner every night? Wow, Dad must be REALLY spoiled" "How's her book coming along?" "What's happening with her business" "Man I really miss not having dinner cooked for me every night..."

OK. So he went on about my cooking dinner. I'm a pretty good cook, I know this...but did he ever ONCE THANK me for cooking dinner, or for the home made pies, the muffins in the morning...NOPE. Not ONE thank you. My parents would compliment me on the meal, and he would just mumble as he shoved food in his mouth.

PEOPLE. TELL ME THIS THEORY IS RIDICULOUS. ICK ICK ICK! The man hates me. I am clinging to that belief with my usual tenacity. So there.

OK. I have a terrible sore throat. I need bed, drugs, anything!

OH! I sent the first 50 pages of my book and the synopsis (synopsis was more difficult to write than the bloody book!) in to the Leisure Books publishing house contest. Now I just have to wait and see if they request my full manuscript--after that I wait until the winner(s) are announced in October.

Off to bed now. Lots of love!
Nik

5/25/02

Well! Exciting happenings last weekend! The cousin was here, and Christine makes the most of her visits...she had a booty call...dressed as a "Mustang Ranch Trainee" for Bay to Breakers...Oh! And in other news, turned 29 for the second time, today--May 25th!

Next year, we'll do something special for when she turns 29 for the third time...that's always a special one...will be doing that myself this year!

I know, I know. You want to know about the BOOTY CALL, don't cha? No, I'm not telling tales. Christine knew that her activities were going to be reported here.

She just needed a little sex, it had been a while. That's not a crime, is it? LOL She's known Enzo for some time. He's in a band, and she has had this chemistry "hots" thing for him for at least a year. Just a matter of time before they were naughty! :)
Problem.

She always described him as being her "sexy Latin lover". (He's Argentinian) And...on stage...under lights...DIM LIGHTS...he could be...um. Latin?

Not my idea of "sexy" though.

She gave him a call, and he drove all the way to Danville from the North Bay to see her...he put in some miles! LOL When he walked through the door..."Latin lover" didn't cross my mind. "Terrorist" did. Nice guy--but how does he fly!? If I saw him in an airport I would target him! "Please step aside, Sir..."

Even Christine had to admit, that away from the stage, dim lights, and the sexy glamour that performing can cast over a musician...he just wasn't hot.

But hey. She needed a little sugar. We hung out for a while, and the three of us watched a movie--then I went to go spend the night in my parents bed and left them alone.

She got what she wanted, and a little of what she needed...but Mr. Enzo will not be called upon again. Fascination, Over!

It rained...well...POURED during the Bay to Breakers race, and in her cut off tee, hot pants, fishnet stockings, bobby socks, high pony tails and bunny ears...she was a wet hit. :) If any pictures turned out. I'll post them.
No. I didn't go this year. Forgot about it until the last minute. I'll go again next year. I don't do costumes, though. I tend to do the race in straight work-out gear. I take the voyeur roll--Christine can have all the attention. LOL

Dorchester Publishing has a contest for "The new historical voice". I'm sending in a synopsis and the first 50 pages of my book. If I'm chosen as a winner--I'm published! Might as well try a few short-cuts! Last year-they liked three novels so much, that all three authors got a deal. Now. I saw those books, they have them posted on-line. If that's my competition...then I have a bloody good chance of making some waves. Time will tell. Winners announced in October. I'll come back from Europe just in time to fly to the convention in Reno, of all the god forsaken places--to find out.

OK. I would write more...but I've been typing all bloody day, and I'm tired. Christine's antics were enough to entertain you this week, I hope?

Love Nik

5/9/02

Sorry! I've left you hanging for quite some time, haven't I? This will still be a quick update. More next week. I PROMISE. It will be weekly again from now on--I've just been very busy planning my life :)

OK. I left you waiting for news about the trip up north. Beautiful country up there. Would be better without the homeless people who seem quite content to be nothing else--but the area is growing and becoming more gentrified. If I mis-spell anything--ignore it, I don't have spell check with this program. Whatever.

It doesn't look like I will be moving up to Humboldt any longer. New plans. Ukiah/Medicino now. Many reasons--tell you more of them later.

One of the reasons I was moving up there--was to get into shape. Well--I'm well on my way right now. Home gyms are LOVELY. I've been working out for an hour almost every bloody day for almost three months. I lost inches first--building a lot of muscle--and now I've dropped about 12 pounds. Now I'm to the point where I see the scale going down every day. Pretty stubborn when I set my mind to somthing. I also eat about 1200 calories or less a day. As you know--over-eating was never my problem. I still have to remind myself to eat lunch! But talk about learning a new way to cook! I know some yummy recipies now. :)

I also cut about five inches off of my hair. Don't get excited--almost two have already grown back. Besides five isn't much when my hair was past my waist! Now it's just to the middle of my back. OK. That's enough on hair.

What happened with Michael? He is a fabulous, wonderful man. Really. I'm just not his true match--and I'm not in a place where I could be ANYONE'S girlfriend. I'm too focused on pinning down an agent--getting the first book published (IT TAKES FOR FREAKING EVER) working on my SECOND book. Yes 5 chapters are wriiten--building Mom's business, and starting my own.

Sheesh. More details on that later. I'm just sorry that I neglected Michael, and have been a selfish focused bitch. I hope that he stays in my life as a friend. I wish all the best for him. Such a sweetheart.

TRAVEL!!!!! Markela and I have been planning a cousin trip--well--for years. I was waiting for her to get her butt out of college! Miss master degree! Then she was sucked into the corporate world--and god knows my life has been a disaster area--so it has finally come together. In October--we go to Scotland and England!!

Bring on the men with the hot accents! Not saying I want one--I just want to drink hard cider and listen to them talk :)

By October there will be a hell of a lot less of me. Twill be nice to be a hottie again! (grin)

Anyway--castles, hiking, book research. Will be a lovely 14 days. I might stay on for a few more days in London if Kat will have me.

OH Kat! Will you have me? LOL I'll e-mail you with details, love--I just can't wait to see you!!!!! Yeah! I've been having dreams about JJ Watkins...remember him? Bizarre--it's been 12 years--never mind. I'll e-mail.

OK more next week. Promise! Also--as soon as I have the material protected, I'll put some excerpts from my two books on here. Be nice to read something other than my conversational tone, dribble eh?

Love Nik

2/25/02

Time for an update! The only time I can get online is when my step- brother is at work during the week. Such an ass--details later.

Well. I am MOVED. Temporarily back at my parents house for three months--and yes, they are driving me crazy.

This move was one of the worst moves I have ever experienced! Most things went wrong--but just enough went right so that I wasn't thinking about ending my existence. Bloody move. In the midst of packing for three straight days, NO SLEEP, and then moving and cleaning for another two days straight--I managed to trip over my feet and slam my knee into concrete, have a piece of my bed fall on my head when placing things into storage, and tripping in the storage unit. On that last one, if I hadn't been so loose with exhaustion at that point I would have done some real damage to my ankle, but instead Michael caught me. I don't think he was expecting arms full of Nikki at that moment, but I sure appreciate his fast reflexes!

Now I don't want to talk about that any more. I could bitch and tell you all of the horrible and annoying things we had to go through to survive THM (The Heinous Move) but I have better things to talk and bitch about. :)

Let's talk about the step brother from HELL, shall we? JP is driving me nuts. He doesn't walk, he TROMPS. He doesn't close doors, HE SLAMS THEM. Now. During the day--these things can be forgivable--BUT NOT AT 1AM, 3AM and 5:30AM. Add to that his off key singing and talking to his dog IN FULL VOLUME. I am going to @&#!%@% KILL HIM. My parents don't hear as much of it--but this all takes place in front of my very thin door, in an UNCARPETED HALLWAY. My Mom has promised to address this selfish, clueless and worthy of Nikki killing him behavior when she can. But, of course, he cannot know that this complaint came from me. OH NO. He gets to be a rude asshole, behaving at all times as if he were the only person in the house--but i would be "THE BITCH OF ALL TIME" TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT. Don't you just LOVE family politics? Besides, he has actually said that he hates me. I don't know why he hates me--other than I have never taken his shit and call him out when he's being an ass--but then it's not in my nature to pussy foot around anyone. Oddly enough--I'm really quite nice to him. This is an effort on my part for my parents.
But it's hard to be nice to a clueless asshole.

When Kathy's baby was born--she had already decided that Mom would have the title of Grandmother. Kathy's decision. She is no longer close with her own psychotic mother, and Kathy actually said, "Well. Lindy will make a better Grandmother anyway". The day little Michael Alexander was born, JP walked up the where both sets of new grandparents were standing (Mom with John and Kathy's in laws, Sue and Jack) and congratulated John on being a Grandpa...looked at Mom, WALKED BY HER, and then congratulated Jack and Sue. Total snub. This man has some serious blinders on--of you aren't blood, you aren't family. He won't think any other way, no matter if he hurts the one woman who has been more of a Mother to him than his own. It's been 14 years. Buy a clue.

OK. Enough about one of my least favorite people--let's talk about a favorite one. Mr. Michael. Once again, I could not have survived THM without him. He was also very sweet and romantic on Valentine's Day. FINALLY! A MAN WHO GETS IT RIGHT! I've only waited for that since I was 16 or so! He sent potted, miniature red roses and chocolate...then arrived late that night with a really great CD (as soon as I unpack it--I'll let you know the bands name--they tour up and down the Mississippi) and a kind of card that Michael created himself pulling all sorts of interesting and romantic images off of the web--with some very sweet words of his own.
I gave him lots of kisses, and a hip flask with his initials engraved on it, and a book of LOVE coupons...which I may later regret... LOL

He's made points with the parental units (They've never liked anyone I've dated--including Chris. In some ways, especially Chris. They thought he was socially retarded. Well. OK. They were right.)

Mom said, and I will quote her, "Michael is really good looking, Nikki. I think that he is the best looking man you have ever dated." Then she ruined it all by being a Mother in lust for grandchildren. "He has such nice strong features, strong chin...and those long eyelashes...your eyes and his? Sigh* You two would have such beautiful children..."
I guess if my clock is only just starting to tick--her grandchildren alarm has gone off! That's OK. Michael has a Mother in lust for grand babies as well. I think it's the next stage after menopause.

OK. This has been too bloody long. Promise I'll have more interesting stuff for next week. Stay safe!

Love Nik

2/12/02

Hello Hello! We are long over-due for an update, I know. I've had some set backs-- a week of Salmonella poisoning being one.

Anyway. The stress has been building for the past couple of months--but these last few weeks really pushed me over the edge. Soon after my last update, Shelly gave me her 30 days notice. She had an offer of a new apartment that she just couldn't refuse. Can't blame her! Sweet place!
This prompted some more panic and stress as I scrambled to figure out what i was going to do. Paying the full rent for my dump for a number of months was just a waste of money, and it wasn't worth trying to find another room mate as they plan on renovating my entire building within the year. Moving up north would be ill planned and a bit rash at this time. May/June is the best time to look for a place when you are moving to a college town. So the only smart and adult thing to do? Move back home for three months--save money, and plan the move properly.
Sigh* and try not to kill my parents...
Now--on top of working for my parents and having the entire success of a part of their business resting on my head--I had to find a storage place, movers, and pack up my entire apartment...NOW.
I have a breaking point to my stress. It's how I freak out. I call it, "The MOOD".
Michael walked right into "The MOOD" this past weekend, without a clue as to how to deal with me.
Problem. When I am in this freak out state, my sense of humor goes AWOL. I become super sensitive to obnoxious teasing and THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO...is patronize me.

I will kill you.

LOL. It's true. Pushing my buttons in this state is tantamount to a death wish. Those who know me well have learned that I can remain somewhat calm in this state--as long as you leave me alone.

Poor Michael was sucked into my stressful weekend and "The MOOD" with no amour and the terrible, TERRIBLE natural instinct to tease me and use patronizing humor. I think I threatened him with bodily harm several times. He pouted when I snapped his head off--but he was still a champ. Poor guy had to meet most of my family this weekend (Kathy had her Baby!--A boy!) we had nine million things to do and were both deprived of sleep due to my noisy neighborhood.

Tina is still impressed with Michael, though. Not only did he survive my freak out...he's still around. Few people who have pushed my buttons in such a state and are of the male variety are allowed to stick around. I told Tina about one particular patronizing incident (poor guy, his teasing just went south every time) and she said "If I had been in the room with you guys I would have asked him--Um, Michael? Do you LIKE Nikki? Do you want to continue to date her? THEN DON'T DO THAT!" She laughed and said, "Someone saying yeah, uh huh, sure, OK, in that tone of voice is one of the things you hate most in this world!"
Boy is she right about that. Check my pet peeves list at the bottom of this page--it's there as a fair warning!
Even then though--out of "The MOOD" I wouldn't have such a violent reaction. In "The MOOD" it's as good as kicking an injured Lion. LOL

Poor Michael. He accidently kicked the injured Lion a few times in the spirit of trying to cheer me up and make me laugh. I'm a little more human now. I sent myself to my room. Quiet time is pretty much the only way i can get rid of that level of stress and regain my sense of humor. I also got some sleep and my stomach is finally feeling kind of normal again. I don't recommend ever experiencing Salmonella. Bloody dreadful experience. Knocks you on your ass.

So! This weekend I move my stuff into storage--move home...and remember to breathe.

I have to say. As much as I have been overwhelmed by everything piled on my head--hitting my stress limit and freaking out...I would be in an unimaginable state if it were not for Michael. He has been so selfless and patient. Without his help--I would be lost. And for me--that's quite a statement.
The fact that we got through last weekend--and that even in the height of "The MOOD" I could care enough to push it aside long enough to apologize to him and soothe his pouts after I snarled at him...means a lot.

LOL Lucky for him--"The MOOD" isn't a common occurrence. Now he knows that if he ever encounters it again--he just has to restrain himself from gleefully pushing my buttons and leave me alone for some quiet time.

It's still difficult to stay annoyed with a man who sends you flowers (sent me more when I was sick) selflessly gives you his time and attention, romances you at the oddest times, and gives you compliments like "Your eyes are the color of Jade..."
The bloody man just crawls beneath your skin, dammit. Pain in the ass. I must adore him a little bit. (grumbles) After all--I didn't plan on him being in my life. Didn't I swear off men? Thought I did. Ah well. He can be ridiculously fabulous, and even though he comes as a bit of a surprise, I'm glad fate threw us together. He's everything I didn't know I wanted and needed. LOL But he is appreciated. Oh Yes. Adored and appreciated. Even if he does have ridiculously long eyelashes.

:) Love Nik

1/18/02

Well! This has been quite a week. First I have some sad news. My Grandfather passed away on Wednesday the 16th at 7:30pm. It came as no surprise as the doctors had predicted that he wouldn't live out the month back in September! But he was a tough man, and always tended to do what no one expected of him. The funeral is this coming Wednesday, the 23rd. I was asked to sing a song known as the "Cowboy's Lament" (or Streets of Laredo). My Aunt's friend was to sing the Roy Rogers classic "Don't fence me in" but is now unable to--so of course--I'm now singing both songs. Singing while trying not to cry is FUN FUN!
I'll get through it, though. It's what my family wants and I'm honoring Grandpa.

I had some help getting through the night he passed in the form of Michael :)
Michael is my friend from Arcata (near Humboldt) and had to come down here to San Francisco for a conference--so he planned on hanging out with me in all his spare time. He may have had something else other than our friendship on his mind before he came down anyway, because a few days before he drove down he sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a rather unique tongue and cheek poem. (Flowers! The man sent me flowers! I never get flowers!)
Of course I loved them.
Guess he was right. LOL. So our friendship of several months has now turned into something else...not sure what--but we are definitely in the category of "else".
Now. I wouldn't GOSSIP gossip about Michael here--but I can't say anything more.
HE READS THIS WEB SITE!
Yes. I know. A man who has actually read this entire web site in all of it's ranting, emotional and mental dumping ground glory--and he still wishes to take me on. The man has some cahones, I tell you.
`Course he has also known me as a friend, so he knows I'm not dangerous. LOL Oddly, he thinks the fact that I may be a little nuts adds to my charm.
Last night he grumbled about this web site and what I may report here about him. So I asked him, what did he want me to say?
"That I'm handsome, brilliant, and hung like a horse!" He laughed.
(Ooooo. I'm really going to get it for repeating that)

Well. He is handsome! Brilliant? Amazingly so. Hung like a horse? LOL Well. That would make him a bit of a freak of nature, wouldn't it? And difficult to buy pants!
(If he's reading this, he is flexing his fingers in anticipation of holding me down for some serious tickle torture)

Let's just say that he is pretty damn fabulous on all counts!

OK. That's enough update or now.

Love Nik

1/3/02

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

welcome 2002! This year better be fabulous, dammit!

I rang in the new year with Christine, Tina and Kevin at a crazy event put on by Anon Salon here in San Francisco. A lovely affair with themed rooms and plenty of half naked super freaks. Christine got down and crazy with several of the people tripping on X. Bloody hilarious! Pics will be posted.

HA! On a whim, I took two different IQ Tests just to see what I now score as an adult. I think the 170 IQ result of my childhood is my father's acid flashback. On one test I was a 148, and on the other I was a 152.

Pahleeze. Apparently Genius is a score between 146-165. I guess at 137 my Dad is a borderline genius, and at 163 Mom is a certified one. LOL What a bunch of bullshit. Anything that can still rate me as a genius is poppycock.

Anyway. Be safe and happy this year people!

Love Nik

12/19/01

HOLIDAY TIME!

Powers that be help us. It's Holiday Time!

For those of you traveling this year to the bosom of your loving, and charmingly psychotic families--BE CAREFUL!

As for me? It's the normal deal this year. I'm also feeling better about some things. Time is a lovely thing. A few updates back, I was in a rather foul mood. I talked about hating my ex, Chris, and at the time it was very true. I wasn't happy about it--as I don't wish to waste the energy on hating anyone--but I had to be honest.

Now, I am happy to report, that indifference is setting in. Maybe it will never be complete, but I can honestly say that I would no longer have a party at his untimely demise. LOL That was truly wicked of me to say.

It's time to move on in many ways, and this is a pretty good time of year to make yet another change.

So, as always, I wish the best and send my love to my beloved friends and family. Yes...I wish the best--even to not so favorite ex's. *chuckle*

Have a happy and safe holiday, luvs.

Nik

12/8/01

Oh my! I'm feeling...very Portuguese tonight. I know that It only makes up 1/4 of my heritage...but my hot Mediterranean blood is flowing!

I just watched a sweet yet mediocre movie called "Woman on Top". Tis about a Brazilian woman who leaves her controlling husband and becomes a sensation in San Francisco with her own cooking show. It has a bit of a modern fairy tale thrown into the mix as well--with an angry Goddess and the spell of love broken...but who cares.

Let's talk about the MUSIC! Half of the movie I was dancing around my living room--especially during the credits. I moved my hips in ways I haven't since I took belly dancing lessons as a child! (Didn't know that about me, hmmm?) LOL

Couldn't understand a bloody word--as everything is sung in Portuguese--but I LOVED IT! I'm tellin' ya, I need this sound track and I recommend it to all of you. Have fun, and shake that booty for me!

Speaking of languages and the flavor of other countries...I have become addicted to BBCAMERCIA. Yep. Nothing like a taste of the BBC and British humor. Everyone in my dreams now has an English accent. Ah well. We all know that I am insane.

One particular show that I can't get enough of is a decorating show called "Changing Rooms". Tina gets this channel as well with her digital cable and I've made her watch it. It is simply hilarious. The concept is that friends and neighbors choose a room in each others homes and redecorate it completely with the help from a show interior decorator and a budget of 500 pounds. The results are mostly disastrous. You watch in horror as they paint walls in dreadful shades of Terra Cotta and blow up plastic furniture. You can't help but rock yourself on the couch and try not to scream "Dear GOD MAKE IT STOP! NO! NOT THAT SHADE OF ORANGE!"
Occasionally they do a terrific job and you can actually get some decorating tips...but mostly it is sheer comic genius. Its the Interior Decorators fault. They come up with the dreadful concepts and the people just don't argue with them! Red and brown stripes? Dear Heaven.

OK. That's all for now. I need some shut eye. Have to do some work with the parental units tomorrow.

Love Nik

11/26/01

Hello everyone!

I hope you all had a great turkey day. Mine was as traumatic as usual. Personally...I like my family...in small doses. Unfortunately, I had to endure Thanksgiving...TWICE! Nothing like a nice two and a half hour drive to Stockton to have a 1:30pm meal with my step brother, his wife and her entire family...
That's all I'm going to say on the matter.
THEN
Back to Danville for turkey AGAIN and MY FAMILY. After coming back from Stockton, I walked through the door and announced that I had no charm left. NONE. NADA. CHARM-LESS! Alas, being my family, they didn't take me seriously.
By the end of the evening, I do believe I was homicidal :)
(two days alone cured me of that)

Talked to my Dad the other day, (nothing like switching gears) and with the news that I had finished my first book, he began suggesting pen names. LOL
OF COURSE, they had to be FAMILY NAMES. Macarthy, Hamilton, Danes, MacNaughton, Woods...some of them aren't bad. But I have a marketing strategy--and am thinking of names in K or L. Eye level on the shelf--next to several best selling authors. The only problem for Dad--is that there aren't many K and L names in the family LOL. Well. On Mom's side there was a famous Austrian Veterinarian (A great great Grandpa whose specialty was Clydesdale horses) named Dr. J.P. Koche. It's pronounced "cook", but how many people would know that!? Ya have ta be easy to find! Well. He did have a county in North Dakota named after him--but we have to think about the rest of the country! Anyway--he died of tetanus (rusty nail) and GG grandma replaced him with an Austrian Ambassador. THAT'S another story. (He was assassinated in 1914)

Then as a joke, Dad pulled out the awful names. MacNut, Smalley...and some more too awful to stay in my memory. As he listed these names, I couldn't help but think that a number of my female ancestors married the men of my family just to escape their bloody maiden names!

Argh.

READ THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS. Don't just see the movie. Read the first book, THEN see the movie. I've seen it three times...but then I've re-read all four books available more than five times each. :)
HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT! You'll thank me! :)

OK. That's all for this update. No ranting, no hating, no essay on Gay Porn. LOL

Saving that for next week!

Love Nik

11-13-01

I have been thinking a great deal about strength, weakness and change. I feel strong again in so many ways, and as is usual, even stronger than before. My personality is once more a force to be reckoned with, and I find that I have ZERO tolerance for foolish men. I used to try to charm my way out of everything. Be "nice". Even to the jerks. Now, I can be a magnificent BITCH when the need arises. In the past few months, I have had some experiences that I have not shared with you. Mainly, idiot males trying to slither their way into my life to try and procure me as a "fuck buddy" or mistress. One such man was fifty-five years old! I informed him that he was only a year younger than my Mother and that I found the whole idea rather disturbing. When he bragged that his last girlfriend had been a 24 year-old brilliant beauty, I advised him to troll the nearest college campus and wished him luck of it. Dirty old man.
Fox turned up again, trying to literally just get me into bed. You would think that after a year, the man would stop calling and showing up at my apartment to molest me. I was dreadful to him, and sorely tempted to toss him out of the nearest window. I no longer have the patience to be nice or suffer fools gladly. I feel like sharpening my collection of daggers.
What in the hell do these men see in me anyway? I'm not particularly attractive at the moment. Do I give off some wired "come hither" sexual vibe? Whatever. I have ranted about this before.
A relationship. Don't want one.
It will be a VERY long time, if ever, that I utter the words "I want a boy friend". One should never say never, but at this particular time, my love life isn't on the back burner...it's off the bloody stove!
I just want to surround myself with old friends and new friends, and work on achieving my goals for the future.
Besides. I don't trust my judgment.
How can I? I've now been bitten--twice. Right in the ass. Shame on me.
The first time, I could blame on youth. I had just tossed away a dream--he was magnetic and at first very sweet. OK. So, three of the four years with control freak, jealous Paul were sheer Hell, and I slowly fell into the role of a victim. I eventually woke up, sharpened my teeth and claws, and emotionally ripped him into little pieces. Nothing like turning down a marriage proposal :)
This last relationship with Chris was my fault. I knew better. Even on our perfect first date, a voice inside of me told me to run. He was too charming, too perfect. He offered a dream. I was foolish enough to think that I could take him on. That I wouldn't fall hook line and sinker for the illusion. How could I? I SUSPECTED that it might all be bull, and it was just a matter of time before it fell apart. I'm not stupid! Ahhhh. But this little treacherous voice from the region of my heart whispered that I should take a chance. It feels so good...it might...just might...be REAL. You'll never know...if you don't try...

Stupid fucking voice.

Strong as I was, he found my weakness. Once he exploited that--I was an absolute goner. I have said before that I have never felt safe. I have always been the protector, of others and myself. No man, including members of my family, ever made me feel safe and protected. I always had to fight my own battles, and save my own life. Literally.

He made me feel safe. I don't know what kind of magic it was, for that is what it seemed to be. I could curl up in his arms; surround myself with his warmth and think of nothing more taxing than the rhythm of his heart. With him, I didn't HAVE to be brilliant, clever, strong, independent...invincible. It was OK to let myself lean on him, trust him, have him take care of me, let him be stronger, let myself be vulnerable. Break down all the walls...and just be.
It was a feeling like I had never known, and may never know again. He was the first man I have ever trusted, and in opening myself completely I experienced what it is like to be protected, cherished, and blissfully, blindingly happy. Even if it was a lie, it was such a pretty lie, that I surrendered to it.
Mom warned me that she didn't trust him. I knew like all things that it could blow up in my face...but I was too happy and felt too safe to consider it. He kept playing the part until I believed it, and when the blow up happened, I was blindsided. My fault, I chose to be blind!
No matter what, I didn't expect to see such an ugly and cruel face when his mask finally slipped. The fact that he proved to be such a remarkably selfish coward--and cruel in his thoughtless cowardice, still surprises me. That I bought the bull and ignored my instincts to listen to that little voice makes me feel like an absolute fool. I paid the price for that love and trust and that deliciously seductive feeling of being safe and cherished.
I chose to ignore the warnings and believe in him.
So how can I trust myself now?
Yes. I hate him. I hate Chris with as much passion as I loved him. Hate is, after all, Love's twin. That makes me unhappy. I mastered the art of contempt and indifference long ago with the idea that no one was worth the passion and energy it would take for me to hate him or her. I felt contempt for Paul...and now what I feel for him is the blissful opposite of both love and hate--indifference! If someone informed me that he had just dropped dead, I think that I would be hard pressed to even blink in reaction. He isn't a person to me any longer--just a very good lesson.

But then, I was never in love with him.

If Chris dropped dead, I'd have a party.

Oh Dear.
If I hate him--then I must hate myself for my own foolishness. I'm working on it. I really am! I'm striving for contempt! I'm very bloody good at contempt! Then it will just be a hop skip and a jump to indifference.
It's my last hump, I'm afraid.

That's why I'm only going to focus on friendships for the time being. It's not a matter of distrusting men...but a matter of trusting and relying on my own instincts again when it comes to matters of the heart.
ICK. I've been blubbering like the Drama Queen I am throughout this rambling tirade, and I just got up to splash water on my face. My eyes are THE most obnoxious shade of green at the moment! Typical.
On that note. I'm off to bed. Don't worry. I'm not taking any steps backwards...just analyzing where I am mentally and why. The one good thing about my frame of mind right now--is that the Heroine in my book is a serious bad ass. It's been very therapeutic to channel her :)
Love Nik

11/08/01

Hello all! :) Just thought you should know that I finished the book...and shocker of all shockers...ON TIME!

I've just been spending this first week of November doing revisions and additions. Fun FUN. Now I just have to get the bloody thing published :)

I want to wish Kat a Happy Birthday which was earlier this week. God only knows if I got the date right when I sent the card...I'm dreadful with dates. But then, so are a lot of you! LOL Well. Happy Birthday, I love you! There. :)

It looks like I'll be in Las Vegas for New Years if all goes as planned. My cousin Markela came up with the idea. It's pretty pathetic that at 30 years of age, I have not been to the city of sin. Hmmm. Not like I haven't tried!

Ok luvs. I have to get back to work. I have revisions to do! What is interesting, is that the book turned out to be far more violent and bloody than I thought it would. You loved ones who are male, should actually enjoy the book when I force you to read it! Hmmm. I will warn you though...there is one part toward the end that will make most of you cringe and a few cry out. Big babies.

:) Love Nik

10/24/01

Hello! Like the phoenix cursor I added to this page? Thought it was appropriate :)

I'm sure that I have a few rants in me--but I'm going to save those for another time. I'm writing a book dammit! I have work to do!

I set my goal--to have this book finished by the end of this month. Looks like I'll make that goal with no problem! After all, I have a 3+ year plan, and the only person who can stop me from fulfilling that plan is me.

You can't fear your dreams for fear of failure. That's ridiculous. Not to mention rather counterproductive!

So--the book will be finished by next week. I'll have to take a few days of November for revisions, but I knew that would be the case. Then!? Sell this sucker and start living a much happier life doing something that I enjoy. It may take a while, but I know it will all come together.

Why? Because I'm just too bloody stubborn for it not to. :)

Love Nik

10/12/01

OK. I know that I haven't been updating the site every week like I usually do. My life just doesn't seem as important as what the world is facing---but some of you are bugging me, and I DO have news.

In the past year, I finally burned down to nothing but ash, and it's time for the Phoenix to rise again. I know that it's a dramatic analogy, but it works for me!

Let's face it, some of you became so worried about me, you were going to hold me down and medicate me. But this last relationship wasn't the entire problem...it just caused the final meltdown.

Mom figured it out. I completely lost my direction in 1993. That year my whole life changed, and I was forced, kicking and screaming down a path not of my choosing. Nothing like being at a fork in the road...wanting to go right...and being dragged to the left.

I left Southern California, my friends, a boy I loved, my dream. Even though I continued to act when I transferred to college up north, I knew that the dream was over. My path to being an actor was clear before the move--even to the agents and directors who attend the senior productions at Cal Arts. Moving back to Northern California meant a different destiny. I just didn't know what it was.

I was lost. I don't know why that I knew that acting was no longer my future, I just did. After college, I just worked to survive. I hate the business, technology world. But I had a talent for sales and training...and drifted. Bad relationships, no passion for what I was doing with my life, no idea of what I SHOULD be doing...Yep. Total MESS.

I was prime for a meltdown. Falling in love with the wrong man? Perfect catalyst for a meltdown!

Here is the good news. I now know what the hell this path of destiny IS. I know what to do to be happy. No medication required :) I have rid myself of the past eight years of crap, and finally finishing what I started.
My Book.
There were other dreams than being an actor. Different Paths...different dreams. In bits and pieces here and there, I would get a clue that I should be writing. Mom always told be that to be happy--you should do something that you loved for a living. Don't worry about money. The money will come. Well it took a while to remove my head from my ass, but I'm taking her advice.
The Book. That 12th century Scottish adventure that I've been working on for the past three years (well two of the three--after the ex,I couldn't touch it) is almost finished. I've been working like a fiend, and will have it done by the end of this month.

That's not all folks. I'm getting this baby published. I'm not worried. It's pretty damned good, and I'm selling it as a romance novel. Hmm. I need to add more sex. Keep reminding myself, the poor hero is climbing the walls. :)

What I've written is better than half of the crap I've read in this particular genre--so if the crap can get published...my stuff should!No problem-o! Besides. I just KNOW that it will be fine. Call it my "sense" or whatever kicking in...but I feel in my heart that I'm on the right path now. Everything will work out fine.

Now for the PLAN. Oh yes. I've got a plan. Don't be frightened...it's a good one.

MOVE.

Oh yes. Once this book is published, and I can begin on the other three books scrambling to get out of my head,(hopefully with an advance for the second book) I'm leaving the Bay Area. Where?
Crescent City, California. I'm going to buy a house there (three bedroom runs about 100K)and live there for two years, finishing those books.
Crescent City is known as the place "Where the redwoods meet the Ocean". Right on the border of California and Oregon. Two of my favorite things, redwoods forests and the sea. There, I will get my body and mind back in shape. I will even have my own basketball hoop, so I can shoot hoops like I used to everyday after high school. Let me tell you. The latent athlete within me is waking up--and boy is she pissed with what I look like.
So two years of hiking, biking, walking, shooting hoops and writing etc...will get me back to my old self quite nicely, thank you.

Then? England. I will spend six months in England working on what will be my fourth book. Nothing like on site research. As a single woman with a few books under her belt and an agent (romance novels pull in quite a lot of cash--you have NO IDEA) I could live anywhere.

Stay in the UK--or come back to the states. Hmm. This should be late 2004 early 2005 when I'm faced with this decision. And that, my dears, is a far as I can plan the career right now.

Love? Not to be considered until about 2003. I really am a sucker for a Scottish accent. English, Irish and Welsh would also do nicely. LOL. I have a feeling, just one of those feelings, that I may stay in the UK once I make it there.

So there you go. My meltdown, my catharsis...and my three+ year plan.

I must be on track--because my parents think that it's a perfectly reasonable and sane plan. Our family friend who is a realtor well aquainted with that area, will help with the house when the time comes, and Mom has already designated Crescent City as an occasional vacation destination for "visits". That's why I have to have a three or four bedroom house.

No. I will not be a hermit while I'm up there. My friends and family are always welcome to bug me. It's only a four, maybe five hour drive from San Francisco. LOL I'm not kidding, it's up there. In fact, I'll probably do all my shopping in Oregon.

I feel so...free. Opening a door with something that I love to do. Writing this stuff is fun. Eventually I'll be able to write whatever I want, but meanwhile...be warned. If you read my books, you will find yourselves within the pages. LOL Not this first one--no. But in the others...beware. Why INVENT characters, when I already know so many!

(If you are curious--my hero in the Scottish book was revamped. Any resemblance to my ex--was erased. He now resembles, in looks, a VERY YUMMY Scottish actor named Gerard Butler. I even have a picture of him on my desktop as a reminder. YUM. That's all I have to say)

As for this time of national and possible global crisis, I hope for the best. Figures that I would finally be getting my life together as the world starts to fall apart. I love you. Thank you for all the support through my insanity.

I'm a lucky girl. I'm loved. So are you. My friends, my family...I hope that I have always given as much to you as you have given to me. How could I have failed?! You would have dragged me screaming from those ashes if I hadn't done it myself.

Thank you. I'm here when you need me. Remember that.

Love Nik

9/19/2001

OK. It's obvious that I have delayed my update. Why? With the tragic events of last week--who the Hell cares about what's going on in MY LIFE?

First--I am very happy to inform you that Kate, her boyfriend Ben, and her sister Kristie who is currently attending NYU, are all fine.
They have their own war stories to tell--but they are alive and well and we must all be thankful for that blessing. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

There are predictions from Nostradamus circulating on the web. Kate hoped that it was a hoax. It is. I looked up the phoney predictions that supposedly predict the WTC attacks on the web. Follow the link--and it explains everything.
Besides--Nostradamus died well before 1654!

http://www.snopes2.com/inboxer/hoaxes/predict.htm

Like all of you, I've been in a state of emotional exhaustion this past week. I haven't been very motivated to sit down at my computer and face my feelings and fears on this tragedy...then give them a voice.
I am so sorry for the loss of life. For the Fathers, Mothers, Sons, Daughters, Lovers and Friends who were victims of a violence born of hatred, greed and politics.
This isn't another Pearl Harbor. They keep saying that, but the politicians, experts and military powers that be-- are wrong. I wish that it were that simple. I wish that the enemy was so clearly defined. Black and white...hero and villain. But we created this faceless monster...this virus that infects the world. It was only a mater of time before we fell victim to it.
In our greed for oil, and the need to match our might against the Soviet Union...we stuck our fat nose into Middle Eastern politics. We've sided with Israel and provided weapons that have killed the innocent...and spurred the hatred of the Palestinians. We aided and trained the guerilla fighters in Afghanistan in their fight against the Soviet Union. WE TRAINED BIN LADEN. We taught him and his future band of terrorists everything they needed to know to fight a Super Power. After they drove out the Soviets--they focused on us. We are everything they can't comprehend. Separation of church and state, religious freedom, capitalism...human rights.
Well. That's one section of the virus. With numerous cells and organizations...this is a faceless, terrifying enemy. An enemy that cannot be clearly identified...an enemy we and the free nations of the world helped to create.
This is a war--but unlike any war that has ever been fought, and it must be fought with intelligence and caution. This is an intimate war, one in which the barrel of the gun will be pressed against flesh before the trigger is pulled. If this is akin to a kind of germ warfare...then the germs must be destroyed one by one. We have to accept our part in this evil creation...then wipe it out.

Do we have the guts for this kind of war? I had a conversation with Damian about this. He doesn't think we do. Our bubble has been burst--but we aren't ready to fight on our own soil...get dirty...accept that many more Americans will lose their lives before this is through.

I disagree. This is nothing like Pearl Harbor--except for one fact. We were in a bubble again. We were sleeping. We foolishly felt safe. The giant is awake again. Are we capable of the same kind of heroism that our Grandparents and our great grandparents displayed? Hell YES.

The flight that went down in Pennsylvania proves that to me. One of the heros who went down on that fated flight was a young man who worked for Oracle. Shelly knew of him, and one of her co-workers spoke to him every day. They were privy to what he said in his cell-phone conversation before the plane went down. He said that he and a number of the other passengers were going to try to regain control of the plane. He sent his love to his pregnant wife, and children...and before the cell phone cut off...he was heard shouting out, "Let's Roll!"

Are we capable of the same kind of heroism and sacrifice of previous generations? Yes. Let's Roll.

Nik

9/04/01

OOOOOh. So much going on.

First--Grandpa is feeling MUCH better. Leaps and bounds from the last time I saw him when I was with Julie and Christine. He has his spunk back! We came from almost losing him--to now having the wicked old coot for a while longer. *chuckle* His mind is still constantly on sex. He will continue to make passes at his nurses and female caretakers in hopes of getting laid until the day he dies. Yep. That's my Grandpa.

(WE three eldest grand-daughters have still failed him by not being at least married and pregnant) LOL

Here I will say "hello" to Belgarath. He knows who he is. You all might find out later. *chuckle*

PEOPLE WHO LEAVE THEIR DOGS OUTSIDE OF RESTAURANTS

Ok. If the dog is trained and patient--I don't have a problem with this practice. Unless the weather is bad--but that is another issue.
No. I wish to address the UNTRAINED dog. Very early Sunday morning, I was jarred from my sleep by a barking dog. A HYSTERICALLY barking dog. This was a dog in deep distress. "Timmy fell in the well" kind of barking. So I rolled out of bed and looked out the window.
There--in front of a hole in the wall diner down the street was the dog, tied to a parking meter. The dog was facing the diner while he barked...and barked...whined...cried...and...BARKED.

"You selfish fuck..."I muttered sleepily (you all know that I am NOT a morning person) "If your dog isn't trained to be outside while you have your fucking breakfast, don't take him out--ASSHOLE!" This comment was aimed at my ceiling. I figured it would assume I wasn't refering to it, and thus not take offense.
The poor dog continued to bark, while his selfish JERK of an owner ignored the racket and ate his breakfast.
I was now on my last nerve.
So--being able to see the sign and name of the diner, I grabbed my phone and dialed information for the number. When I called the diner, it was obvious by the flustered employee who answered that I wasn't the first caller to complain about the barking. I was assured that the owner of the dog would soon be leaving.
TEN minutes later...this guy saunters out slowly, unties the dog and walks away as if there had never been a problem or disturbance. ?!
The ASS wakes up an entire neighborhood with the noise of his untrained dog, and could care less.
I said some more nasty things as I crawled back in bed and pulled the covers over my head.

Nope. I will never be a morning person.

I hope everyone had a great weekend! I have more stuff to say--but I'm not ready to talk about some things yet. You might get more out of me next time. (grin)

Love Nik

(I'm really happy for you Kat! You've been on my mind. You give me hope, luv!)

8/26/01

Yep. I've done a little construction. Anything about the broken heart saga...is put in one place. I've been purged!

My Grandpa's health has continued to fail. Christine and her older sister Julie came up last weekend to see him. It may be the last time. There we were...his three oldest grandchildren...and he barely knew who we were. If he did, he would have most likely barked, "Why the Hell aren't any of you married by now, dammit! WHERE ARE MY GREAT GRAND CHILDREN!?" That has always seemed to vex him. His grand daughters are 29, 30 and 31...and not one of us has been useful and produced a child. *Chuckle* Ah well. We've all had more than procreation on our minds.

It's sad though. He is a stubborn man, the King of his family...and he's ending his life with little dignity. Most of that is his choice. So stubborn.

Can I do a little ranting? It's been a while since I've launched into a healthy rant :)

MEN WHO PARK THEIR CARS BACKWARDS. Please. Someone explain this to me. A man can be driving a HUGE truck, have several cars behind him looking for a parking space in a parking garage...and he will still take the time and space to back that monster vehicle into a small parking space. WHY? For the love of GOD why!? I think that it's a penis thing. The vehicle, big or small represents the extension of what he has in his pants--and he parks it in a tight parking space. OOoookay. Why BACK into the space? Well. That's simple. It's all about withdrawel. Oh Yeah Baby. As soon as they get in...they start thinking about when they leave, and they want to be prepared. It's all about pulling out fast and easy. Give me your thoughts. *chuckle* (this should be a good one for you Christine)

OLD ROCK PROTEST SONGS now being edited and used in seemingly patriotic sound snip-pits for "all American" products. ICK. "Some people were born, born to wave the flag...ooo the red white and blue..." Uh Huh. They leave out "But it ain't me, it ain't me...I ain't no prodigal son...no..."
That chaps my hide. Do they think that we don't REMEMBER the song? Are we STUPID? It was written in protest to the Vietnam War...do they think it was THAT long ago. How insulting. Perhaps it's more insulting that the the band "sold out". To have something that they wrote be corrupted into promoting the image of blondes with big white smiles run around in jeans, waving the flag. Ick. Double ick. Discuss amongst yourselves...>p

IRRESPONSIBLE PARENTS who wander 18-20 feet ahead of their young child--seemingly uncaring if the child is following or not. I see it all the time. Mostly here in San Francisco. The only time I see the parent or parents stop to see where their child is--is when they come to a street corner about to cross into traffic. I'm not talking about 7 or 10 year-olds, which would be shocking enough...but 4, 5 and 6 year-olds. Ridiculous. And careless people like these wonder how they lose their children. In every instance I've seen, it would have taken a mere second--and that child would have been gone. That's it. Snatched into a car or doorway, never to be seen again.
When I have children...they will be by my side, on a leash. Oh yes. All safety no dignity. That will be my motto as a parent. LOL

OK That's enough. I'll have more things to discuss next week.

Love Nik

8/15/01

I am not using my computer for this update, so it will be a short one. My computer is in the shop. To make a long story short---the person who built my computer isn't as smart as he thinks he his. Actually, he's an "idiot" according to the super geek now working on my system. Sigh* Whatever.
Ever think that your guardian angel--or whatever power is watching over you--is trying to send you a message? I've been getting strange messages lately, all in the form of song lyrics. The other day I was watching an obscure movie that hapened to feature a rather obscure jazz song. Odd, but the lyrics spoke to me...like it was a nudge from above. The song is "When Sunny Gets Blue". My EX (I know i wasn't going to talk about him--I'm just making a point so what i'm telling you makes sense) Used to call me his "Sunshine". Not sure if that person still exists, but she might still be in me somewhere. Anyway, the lyrics seem to tell my story and offer a happy ending. We'll see :)

When Sunny gets blue, her eyes get gray and cloudy
Then the rain begins to fall
Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, love is gone so what can matter?
No sweet lovin' man comes to call

When Sunny gets blue, she breathes a sigh of sadness
Like the wind that stirs the trees
Wind that sets the leaves to swayin' like some violins are playin'Weird and haunting melodies

People used to love to-o-o hear her laugh, see her smile
That's how she got her name
Since that sad affair she's lost her smile,
changed her style
Somehow she's not the same

But mem'ries will fade and pretty dreams will rise up
Where her other dreams fell through
Hurry, new love, hurry here
to kiss away each lonely tear
And hold her near when Sunny gets blue

Hurry, new love, hurry here
to kiss away each lonely tear
And hold her near when Sunny gets blue

Love Nik

7/17/01

So! This is a late update. Why? Because I was watching "The Mists of Avalon" Sunday and Monday night. Does that really surprise anyone? Besides being one of my favorite books of all time, it was a damn good movie. Makes me want to keep my hair long *chuckle*

Being a little past my waist now--I've had the urge to hack it all off. I always cut it to chin length. Not sure why--just seems a good length for a change. I know that one of you is shouting, "NO!Don't do it! Leave your freakin hair alone!" (Actually that person would be Tina) Don't worry! I'm fighting the urge. Kinda surprised I didn't do it a year ago. I only hack my hair off when something awful happens or if I have a major life change. Ages 7, 19, and 25 all mark events that drove me to court a pair of scissors. Nope. A broken heart and a looming 30th birthday shall not drive me to such a dramatic gesture. Besides. Short hair makes me look old and serious. I'm already old and serious enough, thank you.

Ugh. My head hurts. Finally had a sale today though! Interesting gentleman. 56, never been married--nor does he ever wish to be. His reasons being that he likes to be alone, and that no one is ever standing in his way. LOL Guy doesn't like his hallway blocked or someone stealing his covers, I guess. It doesn't matter, I doubt that women will miss him not "being on the market".

He has a point though. I'm getting so used to being alone. Reading when I want to, watching what I want on TV, going where I want when I want...certainly is a life with minimum compromise. Don't have to worry about shaving my legs, could care less what I look like, only have to feed myself what I feel like for dinner without consulting anyone. Yep. Nothing like preparing for a life alone :) Should get used to it.

So. Birthday party. Shelly (my roomie) asked what I was doing, and I told her that my mother cancelled my "surprise" party due to lack of time to devote to planning it--and since nothing else was planned...nothing. Dinner with my parents was about as exciting as it was gonna get. She wasn't happy with that answer--hence the e-vite she sent out. I know that some of you can't make it being in other parts of the state, country...and world. :) I'll miss you! As you could tell from the e-vite, Shelly didn't invite any men who were ex boy-friends, lovers, or pseudo-dating companions never defined. Nope. She wants me free and clear if any attractive or interesting men want some of my attention.
Yeah right.
Good luck.
Doesn't matter, I'll be surrounded by friends who love me, and I'll be too drunk to care that I'm dateless and feeling unattractive.
Not saying that I won't get any male attention. My friends and upstairs neighbors Doug and Andy are coming out to celebrate and carouse with us that night. They always hit on me, ESPECIALLY when intoxicated. Nothing personal--they're just always horny in a friendly, non threatening way. I'm just a convenient target. LOL

Anyway. It should be fun. At least I have 9 days left of being 29!

Love Nik

6/23/01

Well! I'm back from LA LA land. God I hate LA. I know that I hate it--but I never quite appreciate HOW MUCH until I am there again.
We drove down, Mom and me. Do you know what the trick is to a long road trip? Really, I discovered the secret when I had to make the LA drive by myself a lot. (That was when i was dating the jerk Katie liked to call "monkey boy". Even to his face...)
Books on tape! OH YES! You get so involved in the plot and the characters--that before you know it--the book is done and you have arrived at your destination. Fabulous! We had a book for the drive down and the drive up.
How was the training? He he. Well. I am oficially an Estate Planner. It's quite facinating. I've learned just how rotten the state and federal government can be when your estate goes through probate. Probate is nasty, and the only people who benefit and get your money are the courts and lawyers. When they finish, expect to OWE money on your parents or relatives estate. Brutal. Even if you have a Will, your estate will still go through probate. The only thing that will protect your assets and property--is an Estate Plan with a Living Trust inside of it. Once your assets are officially out of your name and "funded" into a trust,(so that the TRUST officially owns everything) your estate cannot be touched by the probate courts. Your Will acts as added instructions as to how you wish your Estate to be divided or settled. The courts cannot touch your assets because you do not own them, the Trust does...but YOU own the Trust. Get it?

*Chuckle* Probate Attorneys HATE Estate Planners. Why? Because we educate and protect people--and they don't want anyone protected. They want your MONEY. So, if a lawyer EVER tells you that you don't need an Estate Plan or Trust, and that you are protected if you just have a Will and say "It's no big deal...Don't worry about it..." They are a lying sack of $#!%. :)
Do me a favor. If any of your parents already have a Trust, and it was done by a lawyer, check it for them. Chances are-they have never read it. 95% of Lawyers do not know how to properly execute a Trust. It isn't taught in Law school, you have to go back and get your Masters in Estate planning. Even then--their education is limited. That is a FACT. So please, Check on who has Power of Attorney,and check on who is the Succesor Trustee. You have no idea how common it is to find your Lawyers name in these positions when it should only be YOU or a family member in a position of such power and control of your parents assets. Hint: your lawers name shouldn't be anywhere on that Trust in a position that will give them Conservetorship (power to control estate when parents die) or as any form of Trustee or Beneficiary. If you see this--he is a crook.

I know. I've thrown all of this at you, and just skimmed the surface as to how the system works. If i have said anything that worries you...GOOD. If you think that your parents Estate is in danger and you will be hit with a financial burden if their Esate goes into probate...YOU ARE CORRECT. After our training, the first thing my Mother has done is to sit down and complete the paperwork for her own Estate Plan with our company. Family First has a top team of lawyers, Estate and Elder Law Attorneys who then customize a Trust from the clients application. Free legal advice and changes to the trust are offered for life.

Yeah. she freaked out when she learned that everything she had worked for her entire life would go to the state and government, and only a pitance of what was left would go to me. Once you find out how the system works--it terrifies you.

OK. that's enough of that. If I've taught you something,then I'm glad. If you ever have any questions or want to go into more detail on Trusts and Estate planning, just ask.

This week--i'm hitting the ground running. This stuff can really fire you up! LOL Can you tell? THEN in the beginning of July, I will be back in LA for two days. (I'm flying this time dammit)

Sorry for bombbarding you with info! All my love!!
Nik

6/18

Pregnant?! Oh YEAH BABY!

Oh No. Your eyes have not deceived you--I said the "P" word. A rather special announcement has been made this Father's Day...

What? Me? nah. My step sister Kathy is preggers. Yep! the first grand child will be born sometime in February. I have a feeling that my step brother Mike, and his wife Lori will be making an announcement of their own soon. Lori seemed a bit put out as if Kathy had stolen her thunder. (The girl likes to me the center of attention)So! Next spring should be rather interesting. And...noisy.

This is a short update--as I am heading off to LA for the rest of the week. I am so bloody tired!

Should have a juicy update for you next week. Until then, take care--and do LOTS of things that I would do! (grin)

Luv nik

Link to SCA web site

Pet Peeves

1.People who don't signal.
2.Fools
3.Men with commitment issues.
4.Radio commercials with traffic sounds. Horns, tire screeching SIRENS!!!etc.
5.Ugly stupid people breeding.
6.Radio stations that play the same friggin songs OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
7.Saying sarcastically: "Sure...uh huh...yeeees, yeah, I believe you..."
8.The fact that we don't pay teachers what they are worth!!!
9.Republicans (LOL Just kidding--that was for you, Fox)
10.People who walk into a battle of wits unarmed.
11.People who jokingly propose marriage! (Sorry, another one on you Fox)
12.LOUD PEOPLE
13.Telemarketers who call me and start yapping in another language.
14.Telemarketers who can't speak English.
15.The fact that a woman cannot stay at a motel by herself without fearing for her safety!
16. Men in "wife beaters" (see essay)
17.Women with "baby" voices
18.Men who play mind games.
19. The "haha" noise from The Simpsons. Don't do that around me. I am likely to remove your vocal cords before rational thought sets in.
20. People who shop in what must be a parallel universe. Do you ever go grocery shopping--and people act like you are invisible? They stand in the way...cut you off, shove you. WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nikchild

Life was so simple when I was three.